y’know i always knew it was bad but like GOOOOOLLLYYY i didn’t think it’d be this horrendous — any fucking ways, yeah i dunno guys we not making it outta celibacy. and like yada yada i could give two fucks about sex and all that but it’s kinda sad when i can’t even manage a casual hookup or a relationship with someone. to be fair, i don’t pursue the best people for me, nor in the best setting, but i feel like they’re just as if not more telling than anything that could happen for me irl.

for context, i feel nothing on a day to day basis. my emotions always go to the extremes because that’s how i’ve always felt them. enraged instead of mad, desolate instead of sad, manic instead of happy — so on and so forth. but anyways, i only ever feel something if i’m around someone i really like. and i just can’t regulate it anymore, it’s like i go from 0 to 1000000000 like that. anyways, i just ended a relationship w a dude that just couldn’t handle me. yeah he fucked up here and there but all my reactions have been so childlike and explosive. it’s like seeping into my every day and i feel like everything i’ve repressed is bubbling to the surface. i’m just so fucking angry about how nothing works out for me, and i know i’m the problem. trauma can only excuse so much, but this is just me now i guess. i keep ruining good things for me, no matter how hard i try not to. i feel inherently toxic, like i’m radiating negativity no matter how good i try to behave. i think pursuing men and sabotaging so that the relationship burns before it even gets started is just me self-harming in some way, i kinda don’t care at this point but it just sucks idk sorry for being a cunt ig shoutout to my ex bf i dont think i was ever really into you xoxo even though im still sad abt it for some reason.

i’ve always had an extremely insecure brain, even as a kid. the shit that happened to me definitely played into it, like i’ve always been inherently distrusting. i keep putting the people i care for through these imaginary “tests” i make up to see if they are really serious about me. and of course that ruins the relationship and their trust toward me, so idk. anyways thats my vent session i aint even sad abt it YURRRR (sniffle sob)