I feel like I’m dying. I’m fine but I’m hurting. My insides hurt

I read an article someone posted here I think about spanking being csa. I can’t stop thinking about my dad. Why did I get hit daily? Why did I have to be undressed? Why did he do all the things I’ll never say. Why did he let his friend….

Im mad. I’m sad. He’s coming to visit me and I can’t stop thinking about how I want to take care of him and make him happy. I also don’t want to see him at all. I’m mad at myself for all of it

I had weird dreams all night about my husbands friend who somewhat assaulted me recently. Other friends of his, who have been nothing but kind. Recast as villains in my nightmare/fantasies. I feel so guilty and gross about doing that. Why do I want things that hurt me so much.

I’ve been recovering from severe restriction behavior. Eating more. I’ve gained 10 pounds in a month. I was underweight. Now I’m ‘healthy’. I feel fat and undesirable. My husband just announced he’s fasting for 72 hours… he’s fit. I feel so gross and fat and triggered. I can’t help but think he’s triggering me on purpose because he likes me small.

Idk. Everything feels so big and awful. I feel gross