It's been over 20 years now. It was just the one time. I've been spiraling the past week. Down down the hole. Tonight I looked up one of the abusers. He seems completely alone in life. He wrote a small poetry book. It is very religious and the poems are total shit. Talks vaguely about bad stuff he's done in the past and how Jesus has forgiven all of it. What fucking shit that is.

I am glad he at least has some guilt about it maybe though. I found a number for him online too but I probably won't do anything with it... Probably not his number anyway.

I do want to just ask him though and see if he admits it. He doesn't seem to have a criminal record. Maybe I should be trying to figure out how to warn his current church... Sort of doubt they would listen though even if I did.

I keep thinking about the ending of the show "I May Destroy You"... Where it goes through fantasies of how she would get revenge on her rapist but also includes one where they passionately "make love" in a way. Reading this guys poems I feel the same way. I want to beat him with a baseball bat and scream and somehow also want to just hug him because he's human too.