TW: SA, suicidal ideation

I recently started working 80hrs a week, because of financial hardship and low wages.

The stress from working so much, and then the boringness of my main job, have me obsessing over my years-long sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted public school teacher: literally for hours a day.

Part of me feels that suing the school and the teacher would help ease my suffering a bit, but I have limited optimism that the case would go well.

The DA chose not to pursue my criminal charges, though the perpetrating teacher was fired from his recent job. He’d come out of retirement and I felt compelled to report him to school officials and the police. His termination felt like a small victory for future victims, but I still see/gear people praise his career and character. I have yet to find justice for myself, and fear it’s something I can’t have.

The detective said crossing state lines when he drove me to his house after school made this a federal case, but then the DA just let it go, I assume because of lack of evidence, but I could not get a further statement from their office.

Im here asking, does someone have advice on healthy “forgetting”/ignoring strategies? Any help moving forward with legal action, or accepting the futility of it?

It’s been over 17 years, and the more I learn about sexual abuse and groomers, the more I see the patterns and devastating effects of SA on my life. Depression, anxiety, troubled relationships, tattoos on my hidden body parts, a wealth of BDSM exploration—often with other SA victims as partners, constant anger, loneliness, coping with dark humor and drug abuse, etc.

I’m feeling lost with uncontrollable depression and insomnia, but I made a pact with myself that i’m not allowed to commit suicide unless I am completely broke and facing homelessness again.