I may have told one ex-partner about this along with my therapist. But it’s been tough, and this seems like an appropriate abyss to yell into. Also my perspective has changed recently (thanks therapy).

I was abused by a female babysitter pretty systematically for about a summer when I was about 6. I thought it was kind of a game, it confused me, it excited me, it made me feel special and also so scared that I’d get in trouble. No one found out.

For so long I thought it wasn’t a big deal given that I’m a male and my abuser was female. But now I realize I’ve always had an obsession with sex, issues with shame, and there are some fetishistic urges that I have now as an adult that may be rooted in this experience. At least their genesis, I’ve certainly used porn to warp my mind to develop them since then. I think it fucked me up pretty good, and it’s the alteration of my mental state which is the worst part of the abuse.

Anyway, no real point to this, just kind of cathartic honestly.