I was prompted by this post from yesterday to post one of my own. The author, u/dqshq, asks out loud whether she "belongs here." I thought that was worth pondering myself, and this is what I've come up with.

DEAD BEDROOMS

Many people on this sub are here because of "dead bedrooms" -- a DB, as it's called. I'm assuming there's a continuum even of DBs, ranging from no sex to rare sex. Even in that continuum there might be a vertical axis in the "no sex" category, the positive end being where one partner gives the other one a "hall pass," as u/deelightfulamy discusses in this comment thread. From what I've read, the other negative end of that axis is neglect, and r/naughtyfromneglect is one option of several for that. I've read about plenty of people who fit in this category, and I've also seen a number of people who have active and happy sex lives with their partner but are here for various other reasons. This person is often described with the phrase "cake eater," described on r/Cakeeater as "A person who is married, generally happy and satisfied, has regular sex with their SO, is not planning on divorcing or separating or looking for an exit affair, and is additionally having sex with other partners." [Some of these folks have open marriages or are polyamorous. I personally think relational connections are evolving as we humans evolve, and I think this is a positive thing. A lot of what has been done in secret in the past is now acceptable and even celebrated. Other types of relationships are still suspect. As the 59-year-old father of three children, I am very uneasy with the whole "daddy" thing. Perhaps it's judgmental, but I hope it doesn't normalize. Apologies for the side editorial: I mean to say that our being here is emblematic of evolving human interaction.]

As a transition from that to why I'm here, let me announce the Reddit premiere of the condition now known as Dead Living Room, a.k.a. DLR. It is closely related to DDR (dead dining room; little to no positive conversation) and, if your home has an open floor plan, DK (dead kitchen). As a foodie and cook, the latter is not all bad. My attitude is generally, "It's been a long workday. Get out of my way and let me feed you something delicious."

DEAD LIVING ROOMS

In all seriousness, I'm here because of a "dead living room." My wife and I have occasional sex, and it's just ok. It's just ok, because we have a DLR.

What exactly is a DLR?

A living room is where we "live." Where we entertain guests and make great memories. Where we have our Christmas tree (or other decorations), where we watch sports on TV, where we sit with kids during hard times, etc. It is called a living room for a purpose.

My living room is dead.

Our two oldest kids are grown and out of the house. Our youngest is almost out of the house. Our current living room activities consist 99% of this, and I shit you not: eating dinner in front of the TV watching series on different streaming platforms. I can name every single Scandinavian crime show and all the limited series (currently on "A Friend of the Family" on Peacock). We are running out of shows at this point, and my wife is not open to watching "Doctor Who," even though I assure her that the 201 episodes of the further adventures would give us our nightly fix until June 24, 2023.

Over 25 years of marriage, she and I have changed. Or at least I believe I have.

My political allegiances have been awarded to different partners as, in my opinion, they should. My core values have been embodied in different kinds of candidates over the years. Her allegiance is unflinchingly monochromatic. Since 1980. As for religion, though I have always had faith in a Creative Being of some sort or another, and though I would have described myself as an "evangelical Christian" for about two decades of our 25 years together, my faith has changed and, I believe, broadened into valuing mystery over certainty. Her faith for the last 30 years has been consistent, which I admire. Between that and her politics, she is decisive and self-secure. But her kind of "faith" has grown roots like an oak tree, while mine has grown feathers. They co-exist, but mainly out of convenience.

During my most recent (and wonderful) affair, we could guess each other's politics generally speaking, but we never spoke of it. There was no need. We were way too into each other and each other's stories and daily lives to fuck it up with what Trump or Biden were doing. Our general faith stances were also known and respected, and we left it at that. Why open up ways to be dis-connected rather than connected? There was no need to address either, because we were enjoying a very "alive living room."

WHAT TO DO?

I'm here because I seek a healthy "living room." A place to make wonderful memories. A place with the bedroom just off to the side, where inevitably we'd wind up with the playful and meaningful banter that happens in the living room. In that kind of living room, I don't want to watch the presidential debates one cycle with someone only to find that I'm rooting for the other side during the next cycle and have my spouse purposefully spill the popcorn on me. I don't want to pray together in the living room only to wake up one day and find my connection to the Spirit is best found out back in the morning with a cup of coffee, standing under the still-dark sky and finding my favorite constellation, Lyra. And I will not discuss that sacred connection in my current living room, because it will be shat on.

Currently, I have an online, long-distance, emotional affair. These are called OLDEAs. I've started a new subreddit and membership growth has been anemic. It's holding steady at 1.

Ultimately, I want an in-person affair, even if it's long-distance, and I'm in no rush.

The commonality, I believe, to why all of us are here, is that we want to feel alive, one way or another, and there's some limiting factor in our current lives that brings us here.