For me, the answer is no. I'm speaking for myself only, but I'm sincerely interested in what others have to say.

[Married man, 59.]

When I think of "lifestyle" or anything "___style," I think of something superficial and fleeting. Something I might grow out of. But to that suffix I apply a posture used by advocates of the LGBTQ community. (I am straight.)

From FreedomForAllAmericans.com: ...the term “gay lifestyle” is used to stigmatize gay people and suggest that their lives should be viewed only through a sexual lens. Just as one would not talk about a “straight lifestyle,” one shouldn’t talk about a “gay lifestyle.”

Having an affair is not a "lifestyle" for me. I never enter an affair intending for it to end and that it's a smaller piece of a larger lifestyle.

I hope I'm not merely splitting hairs or relying on semantics, and I'm willing to be shown I'm wrong. But rather than seeking a way of life -- to design or style my life a certain way -- I believe I am hard-wired to find a connection that only seems to come from having a lover alongside my marriage, with me alongside theirs: someone I want to be around without the peculiar legal and societal commitments of a marriage.

Ever since my first "real" girlfriend in high school and maybe before, with one exception, I have always pursued someone else during each "committed" relationship. Apparently, if I look at my life objectively across all my "dating data points," I tend to want a public commitment to someone -- someone for whom I can provide and care for and also have domestic comforts, which aren't insignificant (like sharing meals; general companionship, etc.) -- and I also want something that is enjoyed in utmost secrecy.

Yes, there is the thrill of risk. Yes, there is the intense passion and sex that goes along with it. But more than those is the deep, almost mystical connection I desire and have found now twice in being with someone outside our marriages. And each woman has claimed, at least, that this is what she feels also.

A gay person would say that a "lifestyle" implies choice. That gay person would say instead, "I was born this way."

That said, I am more than willing to abide by any consequences of choosing to live the way I feel I'm hardwired. I have tried to live by ignoring it. I've been miserable. Seems that a gay person who is "out" feels no different. As someone who seeks that deep connection offered in an affair, I am "out" at least to you who are reading this and to my affair partner.

No doubt I'm rationalizing some aspects. I might even be blind enough to miss seeing that I'm rationalizing all of this.

But I don't think so: from what I read in this sub, many of us don't actively "choose" to find an affair partner out of curiosity or fun or so forth. We do so out of deep, almost fundamental, need. It's a need that many of us probably wouldn't feel if we were single. There's something about being married and valuing that area of commitment in our lives but also needing a deeper connection outside -- a connection whose sole purpose is the connection itself. Having no other societal benefit than mutual affection and closeness.

It's a form of selfishness. But for me, at least, it's not a "lifestyle." It's how I'm wired.