I don’t know why I started down the path of looking for an AP. My marriage isn’t terrible. My wife loves me and I love her but I think we settled when we were younger. Not that we didn’t have a good relationship but was it good enough for marriage? As we have gotten older and personalities changed some we have tried to stay connected but most days it’s like roommates with kids.

So I started down this path. It was online flirting mostly then I met one lady in person. She was very far away so it never felt like a real connection. It felt so easy to stop and eventually it did but I realized I cared so deeply for her. Since her I was looking for that again. Not finding it exactly. Then she comes along just a few months ago and she makes me crazy.

I am use to women being so open about their feelings and wants. Being so adoring to me but she is different. She is obtuse. She is local so I can see her every now and then, and in those instances she so loving and intimate. She really makes me crazy. She said she likes the control she has on chat because in person she is shy and intimated by me. I am working hard to not overthink. I posted about that recently and I have received such good advice.

I feel a bit crazy because I was chasing someone to give me this affection I desire and even though she does to an extent it’s not the level I prefer but I have never met anyone who “sees” me like she does. These things are so hard. So much emotions and feelings going into something “extra”. But, I don’t want to stop either. I crave the chase and the hopeful connection.