Actually, I definitely want to. I know I want to. And I will, when the right AP and opportunity come together in that elusive moment of space and time. I can see it in my mind, that moment when it happens. I can already feel the feeling. I will know what it feels like to again not be pushed away. It will be when I'm with a partner who is anxious to spend time with me, who wants me to touch her, who wants to touch me, someone who gets excited by looking at me, someone who doesn't take me for granted.

Like the way it used to be.

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Yes, I definitely want it. I want it very badly.

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I just don't want all the hassle that goes with it. I'm not even afraid of the fallout after being found out -- relationships end one way or another.

I'm too old to be "dating" again. It was a pain in the ass when I was young and single. I had fun, no doubt, but I had much, much more free time to be going out weeknights, staying out late and sleeping in, etc. Plus I didn't have someone concerned about my every move and watching the clock for how long I take to get home from work. No one was keeping track of how long I was out of the house, or noticed if I didn't come home at all some nights.

I also wasn't a role model to 3 young people who seem to want to be just like me. How can I tell my kids that it's never okay to lie ("I'll always support you and help you in any situation, just tell me the truth.") then keep secrets, tell lies and sneak around just to get . . . what, exactly?

What would be the point of it anyway?

• To prove a point? I don't know what point that would be. That I still have "it"? That I'm going to get sex somewhere from someone whether she likes it or not? I don't know.
• To not be so angry every night/morning? Something tells me I would be trading 1 source of anger for another (or several).
• Because I just can't take it anymore and something has to change? But it would ALL change, and there would be no going back.

It seems like it shouldn't have to be this big of a deal. One the one hand it seems so simple and irrelevant. You know, right? Just a little sex here and there between FWBs before we go back home to our perfect little families. It's fun, light-hearted, awesome. What's not to like?

On the other hand, everything is at stake. What if I lose the respect of my kids? Could I even blame them? My wife's not perfect, but there's a lot of reasons I married her that still ring true. She'd be hard to replace.

How to other men do it? Stay faithful, that is? I mean, all married women pull back on sex after a while, right? Do some guys never lose the great sex life in marriage? I suppose there are varying levels of it and some guys are either luckier or pick smarter than others. My dad didn't stay faithful, but by grandfather did. 50-some years, too. They were Catholic, so . . . that might explain part of it? I know lots of guys of my generation, and some older, who just don't seem to be bothered by it. Do they not need sex as much as I do? Are they masturbating a lot? Are they all getting some one the side and just getting away with it?

I really thought I had picked smart AND gotten lucky. I remember thinking, like the day after we got engaged, "I'll never have to masturbate again." I really, actually thought that. I thought I had hit the jackpot. She was gorgeous, great tits, she loved to dress up, wear sexy clothes, go out. She was smart, hilarious, popular, . . . I could go on.

Looking back on those times, we were having so much sex that I was in something of a constant state of orgasm, where I was just on Cloud 9 all the time. You know that feeling after amazing sex, when you come super hard and you just can't do anything but lay there for a few minutes? It's an amazing feeling, right? Hyper-alert, yet numb. Blissful, Emotional, Grateful . . . She would look at me in those moments and I would do anything for her. I could see in her gaze back to me that she would do anything for me. I would slowly come back into reality, of course, but we had so much great sex so frequently that maybe I never came all the way back from it.

That was a long time ago now.

Now it's apologies, resentment, pleas, frustrations, insecurities, resentment . . . and lots and lots of masturbating. We used to be able to communicate, but now I feel like I can't be honest about how I feel. She has been honest about how she feels, "I'm happy with our sex life," she says. But if I am honest back to her, "Honey, I can't handle having sex as little as we do. Something has to change and I'm going to find another woman to have sex with to make up for what I'm not getting with you," then I'm an evil, no-good, philandering, disrespectful, selfish, etc., etc., etc. pig of a man.

Yeah, did I mention there's some resentment?

When we do have sex it's still awesome. And when she gives me a great orgasm (they're all great, btw) I stay on Cloud 9 for a good while -- like days. Then it's all better. I feel loved again. I feel like I could just live in her aura forever. I again feel like she and I have something that no one else could possibly have or understand.

And that's the kicker, really: It doesn't take much. It doesn't take sex twice a day, or even once a day. I'll take a threesome, but it's not necessary. I don't need it all the time. I just need it a lot more than what I get.

I am not that hard to please. I am really a pushover when it comes to love. I want to love her. I want to be in love with her. I want to live in her aura forever.

I think I want to have an affair but . . . I don't want to . . . I really, really don't.