I had an ex fwb reach out to me a few years back on FB. This man was sex incarnate for me. Incredibly attractive, fit, and a glorious 8.5 inch dick that would seemingly never go soft. I didn’t accept his friend request because I knew I would be powerless to resist him. Then hubby finally agreed to open up the marriage, and I immediately got back into contact with him. Thus, began an intense 3 year affair filled with copious amounts of sex and ALL of the feels.

He was a raging alcoholic with vicious mood swings. So he’d write me epic poems and leave me messages that would make me melt in the morning - followed by afternoon rants of how I was simply using him like I would a prostitute (after he’d been drinking). I tend to be a commitment-phobe anyway, and he knew that I was essentially dragged down the aisle, so when he proposed to me (he was single but dating someone), I was in total shock. I obviously refused and told him I needed to take a step back.

That’s when things got ugly. He didn’t appreciate the rejection so he went full scorched earth. He contacted my hubby and sent him pictures of us - clearly taken in our house. He then went on to my company’s website and sent those same pics to all the contacts listed on the site and detailed every public location we’d fucked, what my kinks were, etc. I went NC. And at my husband’s urging, I filed felony revenge porn charges against him, and my husband and I were both granted restraining orders as well.

But then it got even worse.

He kept calling and calling. Then it stopped one day. About a week later, I started getting calls from a local hospital. After the 3rd call, I finally answered because I was curious. I was informed that my former AP had gone on a several week bender and was now in full organ failure. They didn’t expect him to survive and thought it best to pull the plug. He had just turned 40 two months prior. As saddened as I was, I was also confused as to why they would be calling me about this, I was told that my AP had listed me as his medical proxy. This was his final way of pulling me back in.

I contacted his family so they could make that decision. They removed him from life support and he died a few days later on 10/7/21.

Over the last few years, I have had several play partners. But all totally random. I am so traumatized by what I went through that I won’t give anyone my real name or any personal details about myself. However, now I find myself missing that familiarity. I know I don’t want a traditional AP. I do not want or require a deeper connection. I am madly in love with my husband and fulfills all of my emotional needs and then some. I simply want a regular sexual partner who fucks me silly, and with whom I can have a conversation and share a joke. Recently met someone who seems like they fit the bill. He’s also madly in love with his wife and wants to keep it 90% sexual. So why do I keep trying to reject him and go back to the safe old randos? How can I move on from this? (And yes, I’m in therapy.).