I saw someone recently. Things ended badly and I can admit my own villainy. We never had sex because I pulled the plug, but I was so into him. I'm never getting closure and I have accepted that.

I have been looking for a partner for close to a year in hopes of finding someone that wouldn't just want to use me. We didn't even trade pics for a couple weeks because we met sort of on accident and I wasn't really into the idea at first. This guy was ENM with his long term girlfriend and she was very clearly jealous when we started seeing each other. Every time we'd meet up she would get explosively mad at him afterwards and I'm pretty empathetic, so honestly it hurt me. They actually briefly broke up (likely because of his involvement with me) and I was there for him. I was going through some very serious stuff at the time (not of my own making at all) and we kind of leaned into each other. We met at a strange time. Both of us admitted it. I dealt with her reading through my private conversations with him because I just felt such an incredible affinity for him. We were friends. I thought we were anyways.

I don't remember the last time I was so attracted to someone. I wanted him. I wanted to experience us. A couple conversations had happened about the logistics of hosting. He assured me that motels/hotels were a thing (we had a chuckle about Holiday Inn). We fooled around plenty in my car and at an adult theater but I'd mentioned several times that I didn't want the first time to be in either of those places.

He got tested and it was go time. He'd felt pretty distant for a week or so leading up to this. A lot of "I'm thinking of you," but no real conversation. He messaged me that he'd gotten his test results back and it was "time to rut." I wasn't particularly amused by this but I'm funny AF so I rolled with it until things went very sideways.

We were talking about the wheres and hows of things and he told me he had some ideas about what we could do in my car. I was... Not thrilled. I told him I didn't wait this long (two months) to get fucked in my car like a sex worker. And he laughed at me. I told him several times I was not amused, that I was seriously pissed. I tried several times to end the conversation because I was just legitimately hurt and angry. Then he offered to fuck me at the adult theater. I told him I couldn't fucking believe him. I told him he'd made me cry (tears were streaming down my face). I was mean. I'm not mean. I told him "Fuck you." That seemed to make him understand that I was NOT in good humor at this point. He said he was at a loss. I told him he'd made me feel devalued. I told him I hoped he would read this when sober (he wakes & bakes), and understand how hurtful it was. The next morning I sent him a message that I was in a place to have a conversation but he never opened it and unfriended me.

I was mean. I was fucking mean. I won't rationalize my behavior with anything other than the fact that grief is real and I didn't handle it well. I could have said, "Hey, we had talked about a hotel and that I didn't want to fuck in my car, what happened to that?"

But in that moment I realized I wanted to have mind blowing sex with someone that I cared about and he just wanted to blow his load with no consideration for me or my comfort. And it hurt. And that is all.

P.S. He previously answered a phone call from his GF during a BJ (ngl his dick was lodged in my throat). I was pretty pissed. But I was rational about it. He was apologetic but Jesus Christ.