Whenever I get up in my feels about my AP (typically after a particularly good meetup), I'm involuntarily reminded that this is all just a fantasy. He's not a nice guy. He's not the loving partner he portrays himself to be. He's been cheating on his wife and mother of his children for the better part of their marriage.

Although this reminder serves its purpose in keeping my feelings in check, I get depressed and distance myself even though he hasn't done anything wrong (to me). After a couple days, I'm able to move past those negative feelings and focus on the good. It's a vicious cycle of highs and lows.

He's a good AP and I would hate to end things prematurely because I know someone like him is hard to come by. At the same time, the lows are becoming more frequent as my feelings for him become more complex.

I'm not sure there is a point to this post. I'm not able to share this with him, so I am sharing it with you all.

Maybe I just need a break...Can anyone else relate?