I think I may have figured out why I suck at this so far. Because I’m terribly afraid of vulnerability. I don’t do it. Won’t do it. Can’t do it. And when I do do it, it hurts. Like absolutely soul crushingly hurts. And it’s like this never ending cycle with every relationship I ever have. It’s probably one of the reasons my marriage is failing (although just one of the many) and probably why I won’t be good at having an affair either. Because relationships require vulnerability and without it, what type of relationship do you even have ?

There was a pAP…who I found on here and I thought was absolutely perfect for me (I’m sorry if you’re reading this! I needed to get it out somewhere) and for reasons I won’t mention, it now isn’t going to work out. I thought it wouldn’t bother me and I’d just post again another ad to meet someone else. Turns out it doesn’t work that way and I’m now probably passing up good potentials because I’m so hung up on the last one not working out. It won’t work out and I know this but I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like if it did? Yes, there’s 100’s of message requests from the most recent ad I made but none of them are him and none of them have even come close to what I am seeking in an AP. So I’m taking this as a sign to call it quits for awhile until I recalibrate and figure out what exactly it is that I want. Sorry, guess I’m not sure what I seek with this post but I hope you guys don’t mind if I continue to chill on the sidelines 🍿