Last night was an example of why I pursue having an affair.

I'm a 60-year-old man, married 26 years. My wife last night asked a simple enough question, but it was regarding a health issue I'm sensitive about. Sensitive = "insecure" and even "defensive." I know defensiveness can cause problems, real ones. There was good reason for her to ask about it last night specifically, but I took it the wrong way. I took a pause and even said I out loud I wanted to pause before responding. I tried to answer/say what I needed in a measured way. People know me as an even-keeled guy. Even though I am quick to laugh, quick to cry at smarmy videos, I don't yell. I just don't. And because of nearly three decades' work in a field that requires excellent communication skills, I consider myself articulate and a good listener.

But like any couple, our communication style/baggage is a killer. And last night, I did a poor job of it. At the start.

My question/statement (can't remember which it came out as) set off what became a ~20-minute shouting argument.

But by the halfway mark, I was able successfully to repeat back to her what she said and show that I understood how she felt. To the point that she knew she'd been heard and understood and said so.

But even after 20 minutes, I didn't feel heard or understood. I told her, "I don't feel heard. Can you understand my perspective that..." and outlined how I'd interpreted -- wrongly -- the motivation behind her original question. I merely wanted her to know how I felt prior to saying what I did, as wrong as my response was. I freely admitted I'd been wrong. She continued to shout and got even angrier, and even went so far as to say she wanted to make me feel as little as she felt. (Or vengeful words to that effect.)

This is one of the main reasons why I pursue affairs. Communication that creates intimacy.

"Why not divorce?" you ask. Logical question. Answer: we all have our reasons for staying married at the time we relate this stories.

But being able to communicate with someone, and especially to admit being wrong and to receive forgiveness, and to hear someone else admit they're wrong and give them forgiveness, is key to intimacy, good sex, breakfast in bed followed by good sex--the whole schbang.

Sometimes an affair is not only the salve for these hard situations but ambrosia in itself.

And ambrosia sounds pretty good to me.