[EDIT: This post is for everyone, but mainly for guys who are in an "amazing" affair and may not be thinking clearly.]

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I had my first affair in 2017, and within two months all three of my sons had cut off contact with me.

Because of that, the next three months were among the hardest in my life. It's all good now but, guys, here's what can happen...

BOY-MOMS

I have three sons, and while I feel close to each of them, I think from my personal experience and also knowing a lot of families with boys or all boys, there's a special relationship sons have with their mothers. My affair, when it became known almost right away, immediately drove my sons toward their mother. All teenagers, they were protective of her.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

After a summer of my wife saying I was emotional distant (which I was), she decided to move with the boys from where we were living to her hometown, halfway across the country. At the time, I was supportive of the decision because my boys were really struggling in the city where we were living; they needed a different place to thrive in. And my wife's reasoning made sense all around. Financially and otherwise. The plan was that I was going to move there also once I could get out of our lease.

But I immediately freaked out, because my boys were the most important people in my life -- yes, even more so than my wife (separate story) -- and to compensate, I self-destructed by having an affair. After a few days of suspecting something, she confronted me, and I admitted it. (That's how my sons found out.) Then lost my job.

One by one, from oldest to youngest, they cut me off. It was incredibly sad for me; it was devastating to them.

WHAT HAPPENED THEN?

Five months after separating, I moved to where they were, to be closer to them but figuring the marriage was essentially over. My wife and I had to get back together, however, for a variety of reasons. All five of us lived under the same roof for the next two years, until my oldest moved out on his own.

I had to put a lot of effort into re-establishing relationships with my sons. The oldest still didn't want me around. In fact, shortly after I moved, he barred me from coming to his high school graduation.

AND NOW?

My sons are older. The older two are in their early 20s and living on their own. I have great, if different, relationships with each. I wouldn't say they trust me in the same way. Rather, the older they get and I suppose the more media content they consume, they see marriages that are healthy and also other ones, like mine, that are not. Each of them at different times has said out loud, to my wife and me, "I don't know why you guys don't get a divorce." But none of them would be in the least bit surprised if they knew about my last affair in 2021-2022. They are older and could rationalize it.

TAKE-AWAYS

If I could do it over, I wouldn't have had an affair in 2017. If I could do it over, I would still have had the affair I did in December 2021-April 2022. My sons didn't understand the first one, and they were right: it was inexcusable. The second would be understandable. They could "metabolize" that one.

I'm no different than any other guy in seeking an affair to find something that is lacking at home -- something I feel is essential but which I can only find elsewhere.

To be sure, often even older kids don't understand why one of their parents has an affair.

But if my kids were younger than 18, I would think long and hard about my actions. Losing those relationships hurts worse than losing an AP one's in love with.

Believe me.