59M here. (I'm also aware that there's a "grandpa" out there who has again been littering this and other subs. I ain't he. :) )

I was thinking about what 2022 taught me about having an affair -- what I found in one that ended in April 2022 and what I mistakenly tried to find in others soon after.

WHAT I FOUND IN MY AP

The main thing I found in my ex-AP was that I felt more "like myself" with her. She brought out my best qualities. (I believe that I brought out some very good qualities in her, too.) It's clear to me that my 25-year marriage has weighted down both my SO and also me with heavy emotional baggage and hurtful experiences, so much so that it became nearly impossible to feel like the guy I used to know. I have to assume the same is true for my SO.

As I find myself being open to having another AP -- the key difference being that I'm "open" to it more now than last year, when I was somewhat "desperate" to have one -- I see more of myself appearing even in relatively platonic conversations. I find myself enjoying a pAP in and of herself, for who she is. I value her as a friend and a person. Even more so, because of the other thing I learned.

WHAT I WANT LESS

The other thing I learned is that I am less inclined now than this time last year to seek a divorce. Divorce is not the solution for me, because my SO is not the problem. There are a lot of benefits of being married in general but being married to my SO in particular has some distinct benefits that I'd lose: we gather as a family with our three adult children. I enjoy doing certain things with her that are based on our shared history and certain jokes and inside language from so many years together. I really enjoy her family. I'd be giving all that up. So, yes, I take risks that come with having an affair -- of losing my marriage. Bu those are risks I'm willing to take, because an affair allows me to see the man I was years ago and also to experience an AP as the kind of partner that has no parallel in the rest of my life. And, sure, I like the thrill. I'd be lying to say otherwise.

But this time last year, I think I was in an affair because I wanted to be done with my marriage.

At the beginning of 2023, however, I can see how wanting to stay married to my SO and also have an affair can be not only compatible but also mutually beneficial.