Hi. This is my first post here. I have a phone interview for a job this morning. I’ve been unemployed for 3 years. Aside from interviewing for the job I left (that’s a whole other thing) this is the first job I’ve applied for that aligns with my background and skills. I’m terrified.

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 30. After years of depression, anxiety, mood swings and the overwhelming feeling like I’d never find my place in the world. My diagnosis was a relief. It made sense. I started on adderall and learned skills to help me manage.

For most of my life, I felt like a river winding my way through life. Sometimes I’d rage, reeking havoc and causing destruction through the landscape. I’d erode relationships or become flooded with emotions I could not contain. Under the right conditions, I’d turn peaceful. Sun glistened off me as I flowed downstream with hope. Throughout my journey I’d pick up hobbies and interests, carry them for awhile, and ultimately deposit them on banks when I lost interest. Forget ever finishing anything. Set backs, failures and even jobs damned me. I’d function and flow, but felt taken advantage of and restricted. The past few years, after a particular turbulent stretch, I’ve become stagnant. Even while my life has been going downhill, loosing things I care about, I’m stuck in a swamp land.

I left a job that I basically created. I was interested and engaged. I was appreciated. Then for reasons unknown to me at the time, I was transferred to a department that had nothing to do with my position in the organization. I should have left then instead of going through the hell of trying to the job that my new manager didn’t exactly understand, while still trying to meet the demands of the director, whom I had reported to previously. Things looked up for a bit once I started treatment for ADHD. My manager noticed I was more productive when I had little distractions and let me work from home from time to time. I asked about working from home more regularly, knowing the director had opposed it. Working in a hospital, her reasoning was since doctors couldn’t do their work at home, neither could admin staff. Though, she occasionally made exceptions for women on maturity leave. My manager and I pitched her the idea of me working at home 1 day a week. She told me to admit a disability and request reasonable accommodation. I had never disclosed my depression, anxiety or ADHD to anyone. She just saw it as a loophole.

So my manager instructed me to do this. When I with HR and EEO I disclosed my ADHD and got my paperwork in order, even though it seemed ridiculous. When they wanted information from my psychiatrist, things really fell apart. She didn’t believe me to be disabled and refused to provide all of the information required. After going back and forth for months, I just gave up. I did as little as possible and became detached. I’d have panic attacks and just cry in my car, before and during work. I finally went in one day and quit. No 2 weeks. Just left.

No one was surprised. Several coworkers and peers understood and offered their recommendations. I left feeling like I could finally breathe and move on. I was young, smart, hard working and figured it wouldn’t be difficult to find my next chapter in life.

Three years later, I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’ve become over critical of myself, depressed and anxious. I’ve been applying for anything. Target didn’t even call me back. Despair has settled in. I don’t even remember what it was like to have a job. Fortunately my husband has been keeping us afloat, and I’m utterly grateful. I’m trying to remember what it was like to have ambition, to want more for myself.

Finally all of the job hunting and resume sending has given me a chance. I have an interview for a job I’m interested in. I’m trying to remain calm. I’ve prepared. I’m still terrified I’ll sabotage myself. I’m afraid I’m not good enough or won’t be able to meet expectations.

All I can to is take some deep breaths, tell myself it’ll be ok, and try.

Thanks for reading.