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My partner (40M) and I (31F) have been dating exactly 18 months. We don't live together. We have been polyamorous from the beginning. Off and on, I have struggled with (undiagnosed) ADHD. I have been in therapy, but never with a actual psychiatrist/never medicated (having my first session next week). My partner recently asked if we could see each other less/text less. In polyamory terms, "de escalate". He told me he is not sure he could continue to date me if I don't get help for my ADHD. He told me it isn't a threat, but that he wants us to last. I also seem to have PMDD and body dysmorphia (all of my issues seem to be hormone/menstruation related). Has anyone (monogamous or polyamorous) take a step back from a relationship to work on "you" and then had a stronger relationship down the road? Or is this a sign that he and I are not compatible? His ex wife had major ADHD and it caused many problems between them. I feel as though he is projecting some of that trauma onto me.
It is obviously hard to see a relationship change or end but I would say it’s very healthy and a good sign that your partner is communicating with you and sharing their needs and boundaries. It is perfectly valid for someone to not want to continue in a relationship because of past experiences. If he is seeing similar behaviours that traumatized him in the past that he knows are not something he wants to go through again he is right to communicate that to you. It may not seem fair, but it is far better than continuing down a road where one or both of you get hurt. As far as stepping back to work on yourself, that’s never a bad thing. If that’s not something you want or feel you need to do then there is an “incompatibility” there, but really it’s just someone expressing a healthy boundary and it’s up to you to go from there.
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