I have been running on fumes for so long. Not only do I have ADHD, but also autism. My executive functioning has always been horrible. Medication only helped me get through elementary school and then wasn't enough on its own and I couldn't get any other help because no one made the link between my diagnosis and my problems I was having (fuck the american south). I've been treated like shit by people for so long. Constantly called lazy and treated like an inconsiderate, intentionally bad person. Like my problems are all my fault. You're not trying hard enough. You should have a better attitude. Sometimes you just have to do things that you don't want to do. Well maybe if you had a relationship with god. I was just denied SSI yet again. Despite everything, the judge decided I'm "not disabled". Despite the fact that my life has been a trainwreck for nearly twenty fucking years. My lawyer was fucking useless. Didn't call me to help me prepare except for 30 minutes before the hearing, and didn't tell me about any of the pitfalls to avoid, like how I shouldn't say I could return to work "if my job didn't require X, Y, or Z." Was constantly out on vacation and had literally one lady doing all his work, which is just messed up and she's overworked as hell you can tell. I only saw him in his office twice, and neither time was he there for work. Years wasted, and he doesn't care that he threw out my time. I'm tired of being misunderstood and treated like shit. I'm tired of being cast aside because I'm "weird" and different. I'm tired of even my friends ignoring me a lot of the time. I'm tired of being "othered" because of my identity. I'm tired of begging for crumbs and being denied even a pittance. I'm tired of having health issues that I can't get treated because I don't have an income because I don't have a job because I can't function enough to keep one. I'm tired of being burnt out, tired, and exhausted. I give up. I'm out of energy. Actually, I've been out of energy for a long time. I feel like a crumpled heap. Completely spent. I can't even cry because of some trauma related mental block. My therapist who was really great left to work somewhere less shit and I don't even have her to help me anymore.