Please forgive me if this text comes out looking weird, I’m currently driving back to my house and I just need to get this off my chest. I’m driving back to my house because I had to drive an hour each way to a worksite to reset my password, because I forgot to do it last week before I went on leave and I was locked out of our net work. I am a remote worker at logging into our VPN requires a network password.

This is just the latest in a series of events that is making Work feel unbearable. I went off of my medication last year, and tried to self medicate. It didn’t go well and I know that I shouldn’t have done it but I did. Now I’m 3 to 4 months behind on several projects, I have 15 in my queue right now, and all of them need to be done like yesterday.

I went to my doctor last week and got back on medication, 10 mg of Adderall. She has already put in that I will increase to 20 mg next month when I get my refill. Today is my first day back on it. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m out of control. I am so good at my job, when I actually do my job. My problem is doing my job Consistently. It’s affecting my performance, and it’s causing me to be seen as unreliable and like the weak link of my team. I’m 34 years old and my ADHD is worse now than it’s ever been. I am hopeful that with getting medicated again that I can turn this around, but it feels like I’m climbing a mountain on my hands and knees. I have so much to do just to get back to a baseline. And I’m terrified that once I do get to that baseline that I’m going to repeat these mistakes all over again And get myself right back where I am now.

On top of not doing anything all day with work, everything at my house is falling apart. I have laundry that has been sitting there from the trip. I took a Christmas. I have not cleaned my floors since before that. I have several things that have broken that I just have it fixed or repaired. I’m just tired. I don’t want to live like this. It’s exacerbating my depression, and it causes me to feel hopeless most of the time.