That's what I've been told. A lot. And I remember so many small moments in my life where I had really, really, REALLY wanted something - A good grade in a subject, an internship, stick to a hobby I found cool... you name it.

But I didn't do what I really wanted to do. Apparently because I subconsciously didn't truly want it. So all the craving, longing, passionate excitement I had felt was a lie... to myself? Who was I, if my feelings didn't seem to be what they felt like? Very confusing, especially as a teenager.

Didn't help that there were phases were I felt the a similar kind of excited passion and longing, but actually did what I wanted to do. What did that mean? Some of those things didn't feel as wanted as things in the past I had wanted more and didn't do. It made absolutely no sense, and it made me feel like a stranger to myself. Didn't help that the people around me growing up were some serious armchair psychologists with imaginary phd diplomas from conspiracy university. Your magical subconscious is everything and what you feel is invalid, as it is meaningless because the sUbCoNcIoUs. Before you ask yes, Mary Jane was a frequent visitor.

Anyway turns out my brain is just a cheapskate with the dopamine and would just occasionally throw me a bone.

It's not that I don't believe in the subconscious by the way. But its stupid to blame every flaw or characteristic trait on it. What I do and what I learn and grow from, what I enjoy and value is who I am, not some mystic behind the curtains traumadrama.

Long post I'm sorry, but I've been diagnosed two months ago and da-yum am I salty. And the easier life gets with educating myself on ADHD, re-experiencing life with meds, the worse the resentment grows.

But in all honesty, the bugs placed in my head still tell me that it really is because I didn't want it enough, and that I am denying completely who I "really am". The self doubt is crushing.