Finishing my MS this semester has almost undone me. My amazing advisor gently reminded me I'm not locked into PhD even though I've technically already started, saying I should consider the strain on my mental health in terms of completing my prelims and dissertation defense.

Diagnosed inattentive ADHD age 29. Anxiety diagnosed age 17. Where do I see myself in 5 years? 10 years? Research & teaching in academia, or industry r&d?

I added strattera to my adderall XR 6 months ago. It took about 8 weeks to see full benefits to my anxiety, which have been significant because strattera essentially gives me a short term memory I've just never had before, and then also stopped the palm sweating from the adderall XR which has made all the difference in being able to focus on writing for school because IR just didn't last long enough.

So basically I've had 4 months of experiencing greatly improved executive function, without excessive anxiety side effects clouding the full benefits of the adderall essentially. 4 months out of 30.5 years of life 🙃 fml lol.

4 months = August, September, October, November.

Those 4 months = euthanized cat I've had since age 16 bc of terminal cancer, finished master's thesis, defended master's thesis (awful, stuttery, practically blacked out from the anxiety but made it though), 2 potential partners I had developed feelings for ended up not working out, Thanksgiving screaming match where a lot of family drama ended up coming to light and I'm ultimately glad but also a lot of hard stuff is coming up and need to process it.

And part of that is realizing that basically I think I'll be cutting my mom out of my life because she's emotionally abusive and has been forever and it's taken all this time and the ADHD diagnosis for me to really see that she is actually just a pretty shitty and very bitter and snide person, and I don't have to entertain her bullshit because I don't owe her anything, as someone who has supported myself since age 17 and has tried endlessly to have healthy interactions with her that always ends up making me feel like shit, because she is unwell emotionally.

How do I start thinking about 5 and 10 years from now when so much stuff is going on. I think I'm going to take a semester off. I just don't think I can think through these big questions while also keeping up in my program. I'm already barely keeping it together and generally feeling overwhelmed all the time even for basic things, and I will need to be doing more as a PhD student, not less.

Any questions you've had to answer, or variables you've had to consider, that helped tip the scales when making a big anxiety-inducing decision would be appreciated. Thanks.