Lately I've been thinking more about suicide then usual. Whenever I think about something cringe I did (present/past) I say in my mind "I'm going to kill myself" I've gotten to the point where I just think it casually and don't feel depressed or cry about it. All it took was me to go on Instagram once and think (I've accomplished nothing in life compared to everyone else my age) which immediately was followed by "I'm going to kill myself". Now I'm a man of dark humor but now idk if my mind is really bad or not anymore. I always thought of suicide in the deep back of my head but never wanted to go through with it. I come home and do what I love most (gaming) but after highschool I lost all my friends the only one I really talk to now is my Hawaiian friend of 5 years who I've never met IRL and timezones make communication hard. Before when I had a mental breakdown from doing nothing but staying inside I got a job to fix that but now idk if boredom of my job is seeking in and we'll get worse as time goes on. I thought getting my first job would fix my mind but I still feel the same really and it's weird. I think"hey if life gets shit again just kick the bucket lol" or "If I haven't achieved x thing by x time in life just kick the bucket" Ik it's not normal but I've been thinking like that for years with or without depression. I've been suicidal depressed/attempts 2 times in my life both I was really low but that was 3 years ago. What should I do to fix this? I don't wanna get to the point where I just randomly up and want to end it all just cause but I fear my mind might slowly move that way. I talk to the voices in my head that I've had Sense Pre-K to keep me company but they don't encourage these thoughts only try to keep me mental sane and sadly are the only real day to day friends I chat with.