50F with apparently poly substance abuse issues. Alcohol free for 8 years. Free from opiates for 15 years, with a quick and dirty relapse after a surgery in 2019. I have a good amount of pain from walking funny since I was a kid. Thought I would try gummies and that escalated into a vape pen in my pocket at all times. Oh yeah and I was snorting my ADHD med for a few. The one you can’t get addicted too apparently. Got clean eight months ago. Relapsed on gummies 6 weeks ago and just want more. Chasing that high I guess. Have to find a way to stop. And so connection…. But I have become a lump on the couch with my phone in my hand at all times. And I hurt so I don’t move and I don’t move because I hurt. An inert object loses all momentum. I’m an introvert and have become pretty much alone the past couple years. I don’t know how to connect and often get hurt when I try. So instead I withdraw. I am not sure of my point so much as I acknowledging something has to fundamentally change and I’m not sure that’s possible for me to do.