Thank you all for your amazing support and advice yesterday!! Today started the way last night left off. Me and my boyfriend went to bed mad at eachother. He knew I was due for a refill on my meds, he said if I took too many of my clonidine I would end up killing myself, me being the asshole I am said "really? They can kill me" and that was all it took. He took offense to it because his sister has attempted suicide as have I. What I don't understand is how someone who claims to care so much can talk so much shit. He constantly puts his sister down and calls me stupid one way or another every chance he gets. I have an appt for my meds Tuesday and need to have clean urine. He crushed up more Xanax for me and tried to salvage the day. He is currently sitting in the bedroom with his brother in law playing video games and I'm left sitting here wondering why I even stay. I do everything I can for this man, I have changed so much for him, to be what he wants me to be. My issue, well more of a worry is that once he makes it off parole in April he is going to go right back to drugs and alcohol more than he has in the last couple weeks. Alcohol and I have a bad past, alcohol is the reason that every single person who was supposed to love and protect me only hurt and damaged me. Again today he told me that he doesn't change when he drinks but if I have a problem with him drinking then I need to walk away now. In a conversation with his sister she told me that in the past when he would drink with his ex they would constantly fight and he was always showing up all bloody and bruised....... I am going to be 32 this next year and I am past that point in my life, I don't want to fight and I certainly don't want to be with a man that will put his hands on me. I guess it has already somewhat started. He gave me a bunch of Klonopins* (not sure of the spelling) one night and decided to be an asshole. I can only be pushed around and called a cunt so many times before I see red and he pushed me to that limit, he got in my face and the only thing that seemednto be the thing to do was headbutt him. I ended up knocking out one of his front teeth and cut right above my eye in the process, he got pissed but cleaned up my face, I was so fucked up and pissed off I didn't even know I was bleeding. Then it just went away like nothing happened. We have had 2 miserable days together. He got all lovey as we snorted the Xanax and apologized for the last couple days saying we were going to make it right today and not have a day like that again. So here I sit high as a kite while he sits in the room playing video games....... What am I supposed to do? I feel this unnatural obligation to please him and if I were to leave he would tell me again that if I go then that's it........... Fuck!!! I am stuck in my own head and that is the most dangerous place for me to be........