Ugh! So fucking sick of life lately! I am constantly crawling in my skin and I hate it. My boyfriend is on parole for a few more months and I have recently been put on probation, things were okay for awhile, I also see a doctor that requires me to be clean in order to get my meds. Well things were great the first couple months because I could just use my man's urine because he's on the same meds as me. Lately though we have been fucking up, we spent a couple hundred dollars that we didn't have right before Christmas, he has also been drinking, which I don't really like, alcohol and I have some bad blood. Today he is bringing home Xanax and my appt with my prescribing doctor is Tuesday. He's been telling me that I can have a dirty urine the first time with probation, just an addicts way of justifying it I know. I am more worried about him violating parole than I am about me, maybe I'm just worried about his urine not being clean for me, a selfish thing I know....... I feel like I'm counting down til he gets home and crushes that pill for me, ugh! This shit sucks! I don't know what to think or do anymore, I've been through the whole treatment program and stayed clean only to relapse again...... I honestly feel like its just a lost cause........ I am so sick of struggling with my fucking addiction!