Back in 2019 I was caught with a small amount of cannabis and put on what my state calls 'color code'. Essentially, you call every day to see if your assigned color is called for a random drug screening. With my college career in ruins and my focus now just on survival and trying to scrounge enough money to pay for their $30 drug tests and keep myself afloat during the pandemic, I resorted to switch my coping mechanism from occasional cannibas to regularly overtaking Adderall since they couldn't punish me for having my prescription in my system.

Naturally, this led to a really unhealthy coping mechanism that I've struggled on and off with after getting off color code. I did well for the first year/year and a half until my dad's cancer diagnosis in late 2021 followed by a car wreck in 2022. Ever since, when we could scrounge enough to get my medication refilled I kept telling myself that this time I'd do better, yet each time I seem to be running out early. At the time of writing this, I have 36 out of the 56 pills I was given on the 22nd that were supposed to last until May 20th. That math comes out to taking on average four and a half 30 mg tablets a day, but don't worry! I was good for at least one of those days! Just had crazy bad relapses on others.

Yeah, no matter how you slice it, this is bad and I recognize that. If I don't get this under control it's going to end up killing me or ruining my brain to the point college isn't an option or worse. I'm on the fast track to a heart attack or stroke before I'm 35. I've known this to be an unhealthy coping mechanism since before I started doing it, but I've been scared to be honest with my doctor because I'm worried they'll legally have to blacklist me from stimulants across the board. Granted I don't have concrete evidence that's how the law works, but considering they only give people with a history of opiate abuse Tylenol when they go to the hospital, it's not a farfetched notion.

At this point though, it's becoming clear that even if that were the case, that would be better than the alternative of my trying and failing again and again to get my addiction under control myself until I get blacklisted anyway because I've ruined my heart to the point that a single pill could kill me.

It's clear I'm going to have to get myself checked into a hospital so I can get my priorities straight in an environment where my medication schedule is consistent and I have access to some outside perspective. I would like to be prepared for what I'm about to walk in to though as I know that nothing will be the same when I have a better grasp on where I am and where I'm going from here. Considering the fact my life has been a bit of a jumble mess mostly spent in isolation after having to move back in with my parents following the wreck, that change may be for the best.

Hopefully my personal injury attorney will be able to tack on this visit as technically part of my pain and suffering because my family really does not need any more medical bills piling up, but it's marginally better than mental illness and death. Side note before you ask, technically I am physically able to work with limited reasonable assistance and would love the option, but unfortunately I live in a small town with no public transport and no businesses hiring. Since my car was totalled and my sister and both my parents work, it makes finding a ride to the major employers a minimum 30 minute drive away a bit prohibitive. Just pointing it out because believe me I do feel shitty for relying on my parents when they're already going through a health and financial crisis of their own. I don't want to be in this position anymore, I have hated it for a long time, and my attempts at fixing it myself have consistently failed. That's why I'm wanting to seek help.