This past year has been horrible for both me and my family. Passings of family members and for myself personally the decline in my social life and falling out of friendships and relationships with others. I have a history of depression which runs in my family and in the past I used to see a therapist. It helped a lot but with my new insurance I no longer can see them. Since then the last two years I have been searching for a therapist but either they don't take my insurance or the ones that do are completely booked. This lead me to fall back on my habits and relapsed badly with substance abuse, porn, and frequent sexual encounters/hookups.

I used to drink often and it would be my go to. At one point often throughout the week a few times. Having two or even three cups of Bacardi halfway filled mixed with some juices or soda. I eventually weeded it down to the weekend. Ultimately I ended up completely quitting because I've seen family members loose to their addiction to alcohol. I only drink on celebrations specifically the holiday. I never had an issue since with turning down alcohol but I ended up substituting alcohol for weed/edibles and now I have major issues regarding my use with it.

When I first started edibles. A friend gave me a CBD one. It was relaxing but alright. But when my friend has me try a potent THC one, I remember it hit me like a train after a good hour and I was like "oh yeah man this is it right here". If I am correct THC is responsible for a head high. I really fell down a rabbit hole and strarted use them daily. I even caused myself to green out a few times. If I'm with friends I'd use a little to feel the high as a buzz and enjoy my company with them. But when alone I'm taking high amounts to where I'm feeling pure euphoria. My porn use used to be regular like any other male in theirate 20s I'd say but now if I'm alone and get really high in just spending hours on porn jacking it or chatting with other strangers. But even worse Id engage in sexual encounters frequently off various hookups apps regardless male or female.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I know this is a form of self destructive behavior. The thought process behind it is in just so fucking done with feeling numb recently in my life I just wanna dump as much pleasure I can to feel something or escape from it. But I end up the next day either at someone's home or my home all groggy, depressed, anxious, derealization, irritable. I can make it a few days or a week without any substance use or porn/hookups, but if im feeling low or numb. All I can think about is wanting to escape these thoughts and feelings. What do u make of this? What could I do? How do I bring this up to a therapist in the ear future when I find one? I just want my life back.