I cannot decide what is actually "good" for me. I think that values and life goals are very important when it comes to dealing with this stuff. If something is against your values, compromises your life goals and goes against the kind of person you want to be, then I think it would be simple enough for me to quit.

But I haven't figured that out yet, and it would take me a long time to figure that out I think.

This is why I can never fully commit to long-term abstinence, because it is not categorically bad (i.e. it is not 100 percent bad, without any benefits). I see things in it that I vaguely "like", but it's difficult for me to assess to what extent or if it's worth it to me to pay the costs for those benefits.

The costs are also unclear and inconsistent. Sometimes it doesn't seem to have any effect on my health or energy at all (my main concerns right now). Sometimes it's devastating - but even then it's ambiguous as I'm never sure if it's due to this or something else.

Because of this, I can never figure it out. I've been stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of "experimentation" with mindfulness and journaling, which helped, but maybe not so much any further.

Can I get some advice, or ideas, or someone to talk to about this?

Would appreciate any pointers.