Context I'm 30years old and have been using heroin since I was 15, started shooting at 18, at the same time I started shooting meth. I'm only going to focus on these two drug because they are what I struggle with.

Ok so I've been an addict for half of my life, with that said it's sometimes very hard for me to answer questions like "how were you before you started using" I honestly don't remember. Anyways I met my wife 8 years ago and she made me feel like I actually mattered, she made me feel loved. But I hod my habits away from her of course well about 4 years into our marriage I got very out of hand, fentanyl became a mainstream drug. at my worst I was shooting 16 beans at a time 5 to 6 times a day and I would also be doing atleast an 8 ball of meth every 2days. I got so bad she nracaned me on multiple occasions. And eventually our kids were taken into state care after that I only start to unwind more and eventually after years of begging me my wife gave up and started using also, she only uses meth. I ended up going to prison my first time and doing a treatment program in there. When I got out I immediately started using again and within 6 months I was back to a 5 bean habit 8 times a day and an 8 ball every other Day. I also went back to prison my second time. I just got out in April and I've done my best to stay clean I have not used fentanyl but have used meth a few times. Me and my wife are currently separated and she's with another man who treats her like trash and of course she is still using as her addiction is only just now really getting heavy, she's been shooting for 2 years.. we still talk quite often with hopes of us being able to get back together and maybe we can lift each other up. I'm pretty focused on not using fentanyl ever again and I've justified using meth because "nothing is going well for me". I just can't shake my anxiety or my depression. Every day is worst than the last and it's not like the meth makes it any better it actually makes it worse but Im just so done being a failure. I attempted suicide by overdose before I got locked up last year, a random guy with narcan brought me back.. I'm just lost right now and I feel myself slipping into old routines is distressing to say the least. And I don't have anybody I can actually talk to. I fake like I'm doing great to everyone at work and to my parole officer. I just don't know how to proceed with life anymore.