As the title states I have traded one addiction for another and I'm really struggling. I'm getting older and it's getting more difficult to lose weight. Up until about 5/6 years ago I never really worried about the number on the scale. My relationship with food was always very toxic due to an abusive upbringing. Many many times I would end up in tears because I wanted to put food in my stomach but my brain would not let me. There was never any good reason to eat for pleasure, food intake was purely for survival. I have also struggled with substance abuse since I was between 18&20 until recently, I am not completely clean and sober but I am stable and I have gained back everything I once lost. I havent been this content and happy in years. Lately I have been struggling with my weight, I really need to lose at least 30/40 pounds. I have never been this heavy and it is starting to affect my mental health. I sometimes eat in one day what in the past would've lasted me a week. I eat purely for pleasure, I enjoy food, it really sucks. My weight is also affecting my physical health. I know if I got into shape my body would t ache like it does recently, I wouldn't get winded as easily, I would have more energy and my self confidence would improve. Not to mention my kids are all still young and I am no where near ready to leave them. Ugh what I would give for an eating disorder again. I don't know how or where to find the motivation to do something about the number on the scale.