I know there are a million posts like this one already, I just needed to get it out. I’ve struggled for years with whether I’m bi or a lesbian, sometimes alternating between the two within the space of days or weeks, and it makes me feel so awful and guilty and like I’m invalidating the experiences of both groups. I don’t want to be the bi girl who finally picked a side, or the lesbian who just needed to find the right man.

I can perfectly picture my ideal life and the woman I’d like to share it with, and all the intimate romantic details. But when it comes to the sexual part, I hit a wall. I can’t imagine being sexually intimate with a woman. It doesn’t repulse me exactly, it just feels like something that could never happen. I don’t get turned on by women or anything like that, even though I do want to be physically close to them. I want to cuddle, hold hands, kiss, all that. Just not have sex. I don’t think I’m asexual, because I do get turned on by men and the idea of being with them. But even then, when it comes to actually doing it, it’s never what it’s cracked up to be. It’s always disappointing.

And then I think I have had genuine romantic attractions to men that weren’t coerced or influenced by compulsory heterosexuality, but how would I really know? The whole point of comp het is that it’s insidious and infects us over a lifetime, so it’s entirely possible that what I’ve experienced is that. How do you ever pick this stuff apart and figure it out? Ugh.

I firmly believe that my ultimate happiness lies with a girlfriend and building a life with her. Isn’t that enough? Can’t I just know that and extrapolate outward from there and let it go? I know people say if you want to be a lesbian, if you want to prioritize women in your romantic and sexual life, you can be a lesbian, regardless of your feelings or experiences with men. And I do desperately want to be a lesbian. I just can’t let go of the feeling that I’m not, really. That I’m bi, or queer, which is how I currently identify. And there’s nothing wrong with being those things, but the longing to be a lesbian is still present, so I can never comfortably inhabit those identities.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just trying to be different or special or something. Like being bi/queer isn’t enough and I need even further marginalization points. I don’t know how to properly articulate this part, it’s like I want to be a lesbian so badly that I feel like I’m just doing it so I can say I am, for public clout or something. Does this make any sense at all?

I know no one can tell me my sexuality for me, much as I wish some lesbian fairy godmother could. I’ve read the com het masterdoc and so, so, so much of it resonates and explains my experiences and feelings. I’ve talked about it in therapy, though not with an lgbtq therapist. I’ve talked my friends to death about it, going in circle after circle. I just. Don’t. Know. And it’s driving me crazy.

For those of you who haven’t known since you were young, how did you come to a conclusion one way or the other about your sexuality? How did you settle on a label? Have you ever changed from one to another? Any thoughts, advice, stories, commiseration, literally anything you have to offer would be amazingly welcome.