Hi. I don’t exactly know what I’m looking for by posting here, because no one else can actually define me for me, much as I wish they could. I just need to talk about this somewhere where people might understand.

I’ve identified as some sort of not straight for several years, alternating between sapphic, lesbian, and bi. I thought I had finally become comfortable with bi as a label, because I experience very real, very intense attraction to all genders. But on and off, I’m hit with these waves of longing to be a lesbian. To completely remove the pursuit of and openness to men from my life. To have a girlfriend, to live with a woman, to make a life with a woman.

I know I can still do these things while identifying as bi, but I can’t shake the feeling that I need to give men a chance. That by excluding them, I’m limiting myself and might be missing out on amazing people. As long as my sexuality feels open to them, I feel obligated to include them in my potential relationship pool.

I don’t feel good about my attraction to men. It doesn’t fulfill me or make me happy. But I don’t feel able to ignore it either. So where does that leave me? What does that make me? I’m so tired and frustrated.

I know about compulsory heterosexuality, and I’ve interrogated my attractions to see if they feel compulsory, but they don’t. They feel genuine. It’s just that whenever I date a man, I always just end up miserable because I wish I were dating a woman.