I've been very upset lately, which is odd because I'm usually a very happy person who isn't really affected by such trivial things, especially things concerning relationships : I'm rarely insecure, but right now I feel completely lost.

The thing is, I'm afraid that I'm doomed and that I will never have a girlfriend, DESPITE the fact that some girls are obviously attracted to me (not to brag – they have told me so face to face).

Just to introduce myself, I'm 20 (nearly 21) year-old bi French girl (plus, I'm black, that doesn't help : not saying that people are being repulsed by me because I am, but I unconsciously attract less — society's fault.)

SO :

FIRST SITUATION : 4 years ago, I met an amazing girl who soon became one of my best friends. Fast forward one year and a half, an almost-date (Eiffel tower walk, then dinner, it was amazing !) and (one week later) a sloppy love note (basically me telling me I'm in love with her), she tells me she loves me and that she wanted to be with me. I had NO idea that she was bi, and I was really insecure, so I kept wondering "why me ? why now ?" without really addressing the "problem" in our relationship. And during that time, we were very in love but something was kind of... off.

There was an odd inbalance in our relationship even though we both felt happy. We talked about it and abruptly decided to call it quits (it was summer break, it was going to be easier) ; we both knew it was best if we stayed friends, but we both were unhappy. She met a man two months later, and I'm pretty sure he was a rebound fling, yet they actually fell in love with each other, and I was a witness of their blossoming relationship. That broke my heart, and we didn't talk for almost a year (I was so hurt, however I never mentioned that I still had feelings for her prior to that). After almost a year we reconnected as best friends after my college finals (2nd year, med school), I thought at that time that my feelings for her were completely dead. HA, oh boy, was I wrong...

Five months ago, I decided to call her for her birthday (I don't really have the time to go out), so we chatted a bit about life, and I asked about college (she's a law student) and, inevitably, her boyfriend. Both were good (in spite of what she called "minor problems"), she seemed to live a full and happy life with him – they had even talked about moving in together the next year.

One week later, I call her again and this time, her speech is different : she tells me that her boyfriend (of 2 years) and her have been severely arguing, and that she's questioning her whole relationship, saying things such as "he's not the love of my life, I seriouly think about breaking up with him...". We change the subject and talk about the relationship we had two years ago, and then, she confesses me that she's been thinking about me this year, and that she deeply regrets that we broke up so abruptly. And then, she tells me « I've never stopped loving you, that's why I'm telling you all that. »

That's basically when I realised that my feelings for her never disappeared, they were just buried, because we were apart, and because time flew by. Turns out time cannot sort everything out.

So for one month (before my finals) we called each other every day, and we both professed our feelings for each other (she even confessed that she had been having wet dreams about me, and told me every. single. detail. about them – it aroused me a LOT, considering that it had been more that a year without sex of any sort for me, and that I wanted her. Badly.). And I knew that now, I was ready for a relationship with her.

The thing is, she was still with her boyfriend at that time. And although she did have feelings for me, we both knew she had to make a decision : staying with him, or being with me. And I knew that she was lost : staying in a relationship of two years with someone she does actually have feelings for is WAY easier to break one, then rebuild another over the ashes of the last one. She also hesitated to be with me because she was afraid that she would eventually hurt me and lose me ; but I was ready to talk the risk.

One month later (after my finals), I was going home, when I randomly crossed her path (she was going to her father's, and I remind you – we hadn't seen each other for a year, so she didn't know how self-confident I had become.) I decided to go to her father's with her so we could talk about us during the path. Oh how blissful it was, to see her smile in front of me, to have her im my arms, to hold her hands, to look her in the eye. And at one point, she kissed me. So we arrived at her father's, and she told me I had to go. (Un)fortunately for me, my phone battery was almost flat (2%, thank you iPhones) so I pleaded her to plug my phone in to charge it – which she accepted, but playfully precised "20%, then I kick your arse outta here !".

She was SO HOT this day, I wanted her, and I wanted her bad, so I just told her and kept telling her how beautiful she was, and how I wanted to kiss her, touch her, get a taste of her, and so on... We didn't have sex though, just a few (very sexy) caresses this day, before her father arrived. Then, 21%, I had to leave, so she accompanied me to the train station, and told me "we shouldn't have done this, we almost fucked ! We can't do this. Let's stay friends."

This time, I wasn't sad. I understood but was very angry. We had to part AGAIN, and I had to suffer.

SECOND SITUATION (it's much shorter, I promise !) : While I was single and happy (in September, before I reconnected again with m ex), I started to be extremely outgoing and to meet a lot of people.

Now, I used to work in my college library ; and one day (I was dressed stereotypically masculine : flannel, white t-shirt, thumb ring, the package – I believe that if you KNOW those stereotypes and are looking for girls who like girls, you could tell I wanted to be noticed as a gay woman), while I was working on a quite hard biostatistics assignement, I lifted my eyes from my paper to see a woman looking and smiling at me (I think I had sighed) — but it wasn't really a sympathetic look, nor a sympathetic smile, more of a gotcha, gay girl smile (which I later coined as the "gay smirk"). But I thought my gaydar was off, because who randomly meets LBPQ girls in a library while working, huh ? She can't be amazingly beautiful, AND like girls, AND be flirting with me... HA, wrong again...

Next day, I was going to a biostatistics course, and we were, like, twenty ? to get into our amphitheatrum, including that SAME girl. She stared at me, for a good minute, smiling, and I thought that I was making ideas again. But I still went to her, and we chatted during the whole course (and we shared her tea !) ... and the more we talked, the more I had the intuition that she was somehow into girls, so I discreetly started to flirt with her (a lot of straight girls are oblivious to that) and give more hints that would indicate that I go for the ladies. And I believe she was doing the same, so when I heavily implied that I was gay (by talking about my past relationships), she asked me "why was it so complicated ? Is there something you wish to tell me ?". I KNEW what she meant, so I told her "Yes. I'm gay. You ?", at which she replied "I'm questioning, but I'm almost 100% sure I'm bi." So she told me about her attractions to girls, and asked for my number ! I gave her, and she told me we would see each other later. And WINKED. I melted.

The next day, we grabbed lunch together (she refused that I pay !) and talked about gay/bi things (it was so refreshing, I loved that), including sex : that's when I learned she loved penetration with her boyfriend (oh-so-familiar, the boyfriend haha), and that she never orgasmed to oral sex, then she says : « pretty sure it would be different with a girl..» by HEAVILY looking at me, it was so intense that it swept me off my feet. Then we said goodbyes, and I left.

Durind 2/3 weeks we have a quite bizarre dynamic : she seems interested by the LBPQ world, but due to her behaviour with me, I believe that she was also attracted to me (she caressed my hand, my arm, she blushes when I playfully ask "did you miss me ?", take glances at me...) but then... BAM. She shuts everything off, saying, "I'm not ready for a friendship right now, I need to focus on work, etc.". I call lies on this, this couldn't be ! She couldn't flirt with me like that, and then deny everything... So I asked for an explanation, but she didn't reply. So I gave it up.

What's with me ????

THIRD SITUATION (less than three weeks ago) : Funny story : I hit on a JW who was giving me the whole "homo is bad" speech. I published this story on what we call "the French side of Tumblr", and a friend saw it and jokingly asked on her blog to hit me up, because I was so desperate (after the ex thing).

I receive one message from a woman (let's call her Fleur) and we start to talk... She's funny, very very intelligent, she knows a lot of things, so I quickly get interested in her and start flirting with her (as a joke, kind of... and kind of not.) So we call each other, I still don't know what she looks like, but we talk on a regular basis and I finally ask her on a date when she comes to Paris to see her friends. So she knows my face, I don't, and last Monday, I finally got to see her.

Instant crush. You know when I said I had self-confidence earlier ? Yeah, SCRATCH THAT. I was a real mess, she was SO BEAUTIFUL, REALLY, and she looked so fierce... And intelligent and caring and... I just lost it. So we eat together, then grab a tea near the Louvre, we talked a LOT about our passions and stuff, then the date ends in the evening, and while we head to the station, she tells me that she is "really attracted to me", and that "she wouldn't mind being my girlfriend", but she doesn't know.

So I go home.

And I receive this message (directly translated to French) : « I'm really attracted to you to, don't doubt it. I just don't want to be ambiguous about my intentions. But I gladly would have kissed you without that. But I don't want to get things complicated, so no. »

I being rejected AGAIN ??? Well, there must be something wrong with me... Sorry for the wall of text...!

TL;DR : Three situations make me think that girls don't want me, even if they are attracted to me :

Situation 1 : Reconnected with my ex of two years, ex who I had stayed 2 months with ; tells me she never stopped loving me despite having a BF for 2 years, but cannot leave him for me (even if we kissed and almost made love).

Situation 2 : Bi girl and I randomly meet on campus, discovers I'm another LBPQ fella and makes me think that she is interested in the LBPQ world and me, then shuts me out pretending she doesn't have time for a "friendship".

Situation 3 : Amazing girl and I meet through a tumblr friend : we talk a lot, then go on a date 3 weeks later. Confesses she is REALLY attracted to me but doesn't want to be in any sort of relationship with me.