For context, I came out to my parents the 21st of January 2021 at 16:40 local time (had to fucking schedule it because I came out to them before but they dismissed it as "depression fueled attention seeking behaviour"), and ever since then they haven't been supportive of me being trans and a lesbian

Now that context is there, I can fully vent, because, fuck, I feel so fucking hopeless given my current situation

I need to transition, it's no longer a want, and I genuinely start to spiral into anxiety attacks or depressive episodes the less plausible I see transitioning becoming, yet the 2 people that have had my back for everything, that have time and time again claimed to be there when I need help, the 2 people I saw as the only constant friends in my life, my parents, are the first to dismiss my feelings and issues because they don't think it's real due to them both being hypercatholic

Ever since I came out to them, I've been telling others behind their backs, as they asked me to "don't tell anyone", and everyone else has been either supportive, dismissive (positively), or on the whole "can't see the problem, it's not a problem" thing

Now, my sister recently showed me how much she cares about me, and even sat down to talk with me about how she sees how much it's affecting me, and that recent events in her life have led her to see how a lack of support can lead to me being isolated, lonely, and possibly relapse into self-harm, even going as far as to ask me what my preferred name is (told her, but asked to keep it to when we're not with our parents due to other issues), my brother was also incredibly supportive in the way of "it doesn't make sense to me, people are people, that's all that matters"

Now, on to the part that is making me write this post, my mom recently bought me a trans positive manga (I Crossdressed for the irl Meetup), and she knew it was such when she bought it in spit of me insisting I was going to pay for it myself, which in turn made me extremely happy, thinking she was finally more accepting of me as a woman and a lesbian; but when my dad saw me reading it, he started asking and questioning my motives for getting it, which in turn my mom joined as a "neutral" party, but giving my dad the whole "he's right you know" side in the discussion

Now I feel like I'm never going to be wanted as a woman by the 2 most important living people in my life, and I genuinely wish to just be able to lose these last 20 kilos (need to weigh between 69 and 72 Kg for my psychiatrist to approve of me getting antiandrogens), but with all this negativity and anxiety, it feels like an impossible task