So this is a long story, but I just wanna get this all out there.

For years now, I've been saying I was Bi. There have been signs of my gayness ever since I was a kid, but I, for whatever reason, always ended up with a guy. There were girls in highschool trying their hardest to flirt with me, and I was just too naive / blind to see it. I literally kissed girls in kindergarten and played house with them as my wife, rejecting any guy because I "wanted to be the husband", but.. yeah. Never had a clue until recently.

I was even engaged to a guy for the last 5 years, but about half a year ago, I found out he not only stole money from me, but he was actively cheating on me with someone else. It's a big mess, and I'm not fully comfortable with going into detail with how it all went down since it's still a sore spot for me, (especially since I've been learning a lot of things he did to me in our relationship were extremely abusive and manipulative.) but that's the basis of what happened. It wrecked me, especially since I have BPD and part of it is the fear of abandonment.

We broke up, and I, with recklessness and shame, started coping in dangerous ways. I would meet up with random strangers (all guys) for one-night stands, I guess partially to figure out what I needed or wanted, and partially due to my mental health spiraling and I was grasping at whatever would give me comfort or validation. Every time by the end of it, I'd feel awful. Dirty. Disgusting. I felt like I was throwing away my self-worth. I kept hearing my inner monologue saying "This isn't right." I knew I had to stop so I could actually start to heal, so I turned to my therapist and confessed everything to her. She gave me some really solid advice, and I've been doing my best to stick with it. I also got myself tested for STDs, and luckily everything was negative. I actually started to heal. Without my ex-fiance dictating my entire life, I could see clearly. I could save money. I didn't have to give him my entire paycheck. I could actually treat myself to nice things. I didn't have to constantly walk on eggshells with how I dressed or how I spoke. I learned that I'm allowed to be a human, not a piece of eye-candy or a paycheck. I felt more free to explore myself, figure out my own identity, and create my own system of morals, boundaries, and values.

Fast forward to lately, within the last few weeks or so, I've been reflecting on my life and focusing on what makes me feel the happiest, what makes me feel fulfilled, and what I value most. I noticed a trend. Every time I've felt happiest, it wasn't with a guy like I'd previously thought. My happiest moments were when I was singing songs with a girl in HS choir, or watching fireworks or stargazing with the girl next door. I remember how I really wanted to feel her hug me again, and how I still have her hoodie she gave me to this day. Yet, I have no momentos from any of my guy exes. The one relationship I felt happiest ever in was literally a week-long relationship with a girl I met on Wizard101 as a tween (PLEASE tell me I'm not the only girl here who still plays Wizard101 as an adult 😭)

All of these reflections, and I noticed they had two common themes; women, and true happiness. Then it clicked. I wasn't attracted to guys like I thought I was. I didn't feel the same way with guys that I felt with girls. If anything, I felt off about the idea. Like, "why would I put myself into a relationship with a guy if it's not what makes me truly happy?" I also came to the conclusion that I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of having "relations" with guys, and that I really, REALLY regret each time I did. In fact, I don't feel comfortable having "relations" often. I feel like I'd be comfortable if I only had "relations" with someone if I had known the person for a long while, and if we were in a relationship where I could trust my body with them.

So, with all that being said.. I think today is my coming out day and that it's about time to accept myself for who I am. I'm a lesbian. I'm a girl who loves other girls. And I'll never settle for anything or anyone that doesn't make me happy ever again. Here's to knowing my self-worth, and nurturing my inner child, allowing her to grow into the 25-year old woman she deserves to be. 🥂 🏳️‍🌈