Hey,

My name is Lilli and I am from Europe. I recently felt the urge to share my personal story with someone. It got a few quite dark moments (CW/Abuse!) but in my opinion also the greatest happy ending, I could ever imagine.

I always knew, that I really like Women. It was until my late 20s until I could admit to myself, that I am lesbian. Before that, I always told myself, I would be Bi/Pan/whatever and parts of me started to believe that. It was mostly to meet others expectations and to comply with social “standards”.

Early, I got into relationships with Men and it just never felt right. I did never had a real craving for a BF and Sexuality was mostly a duty for me, I had to fulfill. The only thing that somewhat exited me a little back then were mutual oral plays.

I have never been able to stay faithful to a friend in a single relationship and I always had affairs and sex with women. I ignored my real feelings and I hurt myself a lot by falling in love with someone and then breaking contact, because I got a friend. That happened multiple times.

My fourth relationship then nearly broke me. It started as usual and there was affection and he seemed like a pretty nice guy. We lived our life more “next to each other” than together and on a friendly level we got along well. There was hardly any intimacy in the relationship but I had a secret affair with a slightly older woman, that was very sensually and intimate. After maybe one and a half year, he had an accident, that made it impossible for him to continue his work. That lead to depression and heavy drinking. From that moment everything became a nightmare. He became rude, violent and I ended in hospital 2 times because of him beating me up. For a long time I was not brave enough to leave him and I kept quiet. I just did not have the courage to do anything and I started drinking as well.

After the second admission to the hospital, I went into a mental health clinic for almost 4 months. I was a mess. Physically and mentally. They did an awesome job rebuilding me, giving me strength, confidence and self esteem. I am so grateful for their strong emotional support and the warmth in their dealing with me.

I ultimately moved out and decided to start a new life in 2017. I connected with old friends again, met new people, started hobbies like knitting and volleyball. I started to flourish and I found the long lost happiness in my life. I had a new joy of living.

2 years later, I met Ela. We understood each other perfectly from the first second and we had a really great time and so much fun together. This got more serious and I had millions and millions of butterflies in my stomach even when I only thought about her. Our relationship grew and in all areas of life, we matched perfectly and we resonate so good, as if we were Soulmates. She became the love of my life. On Dec 25, 2022, I did propose to her next to our Christmas tree and she teared up and responded “of course”. The 2 most wonderful words, I ever heard in my whole life. I bursted into tears as well and hugged her really hard for almost 30 minutes. It felt surreal but wonderful.

Now we are preparing our wedding, that will happen on Jul 22 this sommer. I enjoy every part of the planning and every single second she is around me. I have never been as happy, as I am now.

Today, I can accept the truth and say it loud: I am lesbian and I am f…ing proud about it. If someone can’t accept that, then this person has no space in my life.

I regret many things about my past and decisions, I made. But I’m not bitter about it. I had to learn, who I really am and accept myself. Now I’m happy and that ist the most important thing to me.

Thank you for reading my story. I did never tell this to anyone in all its completeness and I want to encourage everyone to listen to your hearts and don’t try to be something else, just to fulfill someone else’s expectations.

Lilly