i don’t know how to articulate this so bare with me pls.

so i have experienced crippling dysphoria since i could remember. i had all the telltale childhood signs. it consumed my thoughts as a child and teen. it was debilitating in the sense that, i didn’t feel like life was worth living in the body i was in, because it didn’t feel like mine. i wasn’t suicidal, i just lived life very passively and isolated. i didn’t care about my future, school, appearance. i just felt drained from my own discomfort so i didn’t try. i just checked out.

fast forward to my first queer relationship at 23, my views of my gender changed as i explored my sexuality. she was the first person to treat me like a “woman” in a way, that i liked? she helped me love my body without even trying. i always thought id be stone, until i met her. i loved the feeling of being desired by her, i loved feeling feminine with her. because, i suppose, i felt safe to?

we then broke up, and it took a pretty large emotional toll on me. its been nearly 2 years since we were together and im still recovering. i tried dating in that time, but the girls i dated seem to resent my feminine traits and expect this stone top masc dyke that can fix things n idk insert masc stereotypes

i guess i just feel alienated as a masc lesbian, and given my childhood and teens, i figured maybe i should transition. it’s something that ive been hanging onto all these years, but i didn’t want to make my life harder than it already is, so i put it in the back of my mind until it felt dire. and then, the breakup.

and we all crave massive change after major breakups. so i impulsively started t via informed consent. i was emotionally a mess and saw it as a last resort to to make me feel better. and now here we are, 6 months in.

i don’t know if its right for me. he/him doesn’t really feel right, but no pronouns feel right. i enjoy some changes, and dislike others. there hasn’t been a whole lot of changes though. i haven’t fully came out. just friends. work and family still don’t know. i don’t feel comfortable fully committing to coming out yet, because im already rethinking if this is right for me.

my main issue is im more comfortable in my general life now, but my romantic life im experiencing dysphoria?

i hate being seen as a man by my partners. so i feel like reverse dysphoria in romantic contexts? i feel unattractive, i love being desired and touched like a woman. so the hesitance in touching me certain ways, because they’re scared of making me dysphoric sucks. i love feeling feminine. i love my chest touched and i love penetration. i’m scared vaginal atrophy as im already significantly dryer down there.

i use to want top surgery because they just felt like tumors that get in the way, and are a hassle to hide. but sexually, i love having boobs. it’s one of my favorite places to be touched by a lover. i love having hips and a feminine body when im with a partner, so when i see my body changing, it makes me insecure to be with anyone intimately. i lately have had no desire to have sex or pursue a relationship, because it doesn’t feel good to me in this identity.

but i enjoy the fat redistribution and changes otherwise. like in the context of just existing by myself or being in public with friends and strangers. and i rather be flat in public, and present as masculine as possible. so i’d ideally want top surgery because binding is a lot for me. but i love my chest when im with a partner. so ajhhhh idk.

like, i kind of like having the hidden secret of my body and sexuality and the duality of it, and i fear if i get far enough into transition, id have to give that up? it seems like a trade off that im not ready for, and i want to revisit trying to handle my dysphoria without transitioning.

but on the other hand, maybe it’s so important to me because sex and relationships are the only things that make me feel truly loved.

idk so much to unpack. i just feel so confused.