I'm not detrans, I think, or at least, I'm not taking this particularly seriously, but I feel like this is a hard discussion to have so here I am I guess. Also cool this subreddit exists, I'm not a fan of invalidating the trans friends I have.

I've lived as a trans girl for over 10 years now. Time just kinda flew by. Started E in college, changed name, all that. I had some doubts along the way, but hey, everyone tells themselves they're just overthinking it. I never intended for bottom surgery though, and so I never did. 6 months ago my prescription run out, so I just stopped taking it cold turkey. I don't feel dysphoria like I once thought I did. The extra body hair sucks, but oh well, I'm just shaving/epilating more now. Not being sterile anymore (I think) is a nice thing too.

I had a bit of a culture shock several years after going farther into learning Japanese and realizing they're transmedicalist like crazy and essentially the term "transgender" there only implies surgery. I live a bilingual life now, so this puts me in a bit of a bind. Overtime I've come to realize their term "otokonoko" (男の娘) seems to actually be inclusive of both "femboys" as well as "trans girls", and that's sort of occupied the space where non-SRS fixated trans girls would go... maybe.

At first it shocked me, but now, I think I like that? What I'm starting to really loathe is that there's like... this exclusivity between femboy/transgirl here? I no longer want to pick one or the other anymore. I think "trap" used to exist in this sense but it's certainly not considered kosher anymore. I'm fine simply not picking one or the other. But I feel like there's no real option for that now in this binary dichotomy. I could call myself non-binary, but it feels off... but maybe it's the only other option, shrug. I'm a feminine male but don't feel in touch with either. But this means I use a gender-neutral name in real life, and don't mention my gender online. In the workplace, I guess I won't change my name and I'll just keep living as a woman. It... works? It feels like a bit of a lie. I don't want to prove TERFs right, but I don't feel like going back to using men's restrooms. Is this okay? This isn't the worst fate, but does this make me a bad person? If I suddenly flip a switch and no longer call myself a woman, am I just an invader now?

I'm not insanely bothered, because I'm probably more comfortable here than I was living male, I'm in a much more feminine place now... but I do feel like I'm identity-homeless in a way. I don't think I actually hate being male in and of itself after all. But I'd certainly feel uncomfortable with being a like... eternal crossdresser as a male, and society just not being okay with that. Because they wouldn't be, right? I was bullied to some extreme lengths as a child because of being an effeminate boy...

Brain plasticity is kind of weird to me. I think if I allow myself to get used to being called a boy or a guy, I could... the line that most would consider "repression" is very clearly going into masculinity. And that's fine - I plan to be as feminine as I possibly can be, forever. That's how I've always wanted to be since I was a child.

Basically I think I want to avoid picking a binary in an extremely binary society, and non-binary doesn't feel right either. Maybe I should just identify as it anyways a practicality?

Oh, and dating. Preferring girls is awful! I truly hate it. I can't seem to find straight girls that like femboys, and I feel uncomfortable searching as a lesbian. "Find bisexual girls" sure that'd be ideal, except there's basically no way to search for them. There's no "bisexuals only dating app" that people use. Most groups specifically for bisexual women on certain sites just ban men. I get enough DMs from guys and sure I'm bi but I am so tired of guys right now. I hate this lol

Edit: I wanted to add another thought I had. If we suppose for the sake of argument that there may be a lot of trans people who aren't really trans but simply feminine males/masculine females, and if that's a problem (I won't say it is), I think some of the blame falls on society and I can't just let that go. If I grew up as a feminine male, and had society beat the shit out of me for it, and then my takeaway was to simply live as a woman, but I eventually decide to walk that back, in no way shall I feel responsible for that. And I think society should be ashamed for daring to say things like "you should have just been a feminine male" when that wasn't okay 10 years ago. You can't just gaslight me like that...