i dont see myself as "a man' i just moreso see myself as soeone who wanted to be one. ive been off T for about 5 months now and am wanting to go back on. this is like the fourth time ive been off T. i dont know why i cant make up my mind. i was on T for 1.8 years in total. but since i had so many breaks, my changes werent that extreme. i defintely look more boyish than i did pre T and my voice hass gone from female to androgynous, but i dont feel like i experienced severe enough changes for my brain to actually feel "scared out of transitioning" yet. i mean, all that happened is i just went from looking like a feminine woman (pre trans) to a tomboy woman (detrans). when i was living as a transman i kinda passed. it was iffy. i could pass as either male or female depending on what i told ppl i was bc i looked androgynous. but most people did read me as male. i feel like if T turned me into a huge bald, hairy all over, hairy back and chest, masculine af buff man, then id probably be a lot more releived to be detransitioning right now and becoming more feminine. but since basically all that happened is that i became more androgynous looking and looked like a twink at best, my brain is still wanting to go back on T. im so tired of this. im not even a man. why do i wanna go on T so bad? especiallu since my life as a woman is so much easier? as a woman, everyone, men and women alike are so much more helpful and nice to me. as a guy, everyone just left me alone to do my own thing but it did feel like i have way less help and suppport and free kindness. despite that, why do i keep wanting to go back on T? i think i just feel like "why am i detransing back into a woman? my soul isnt a woman, my soul is genderless. so why is my life as a woman more valid thana my life as a trans man was?" i dont really see muyself as a gender so living as a trans man and woman, i feel like the exact same person and being a man didnt bother me that much. i know some woman who would feel distraught at the thought of having to live as a man. my mom is one of them. her womanhood is important to her. but to me? not at all. i could easily live as a man and not care, in fact, enjoy it. the fact that i didnt hate living as a man is making it hard for me to move on past the gender issue and just live, and stop worrying about transitioning/detransitiong and repeat. im 22 years old, i really wanna move on past this issue. :/