Hello. I am nonbinary (I guess), AMAB. I have been microdosing HRT for for 6 months now. Before this current stretch, I've been on an off hormones 2 other times. What's new this time is I started a microdose of spiro about a month and a half ago. I haven't really seen too many changes. My skin has gotten more clear and a bit more soft, which are good things. My sex drive has gone down and the feelings have changed somewhat, which are also both good things. I also have a small amount of breast tissue that isn't really noticeable, but I get self conscious about them poking through my shirt, and the thought of them getting bigger and being permanent is stressful.

Part of me wants a fem body and I think I would feel happier with a fem body. I want to feel pretty and have curves and at times I want breasts. But my breast tissue so far makes me feel neutral leaning negative, and I'm afraid I'll miss having a flat chest.

Also, I like having a masc body sometimes. I like to have muscles and I think about growing out my facial hair. For some reason (probably internalized misogyny) it feels "cool" to be a guy and I feel like I could be "cool" as an older dude, but I couldn't be cool or feel confident as an older woman. Even the younger age I am now I think I would be less confident with a fem body / noticeably trans. With a masculine body / cis presenting I would be a lot more comfortable around my family and most people.

I've dealt with this whole gender crisis stuff for long enough now that I'm pretty confident it's not going to go away. Whatever I decide I know I can still dress a certain way or do queer stuff and break gender roles. I tried presenting more fem, changing pronouns, using a different name, and trying HRT. But I still haven't figured it out, and I don't know which direction to turn. I just want stability and confidence in my body/clothes/appearance. Transitioning is definitely not stable and that is really stressing me out.

I just need to make up my mind. I felt most happy around month 3 of my current HRT stretch when I had decided to commit to HRT but I hadn't really seen many changes, but I didn't have to wonder about HRT because I committed and I could put it out of my mind. Now I'm getting far enough along that I have to start wondering about stopping HRT or even if I want to increase my dose.

So what should I do? Commit to HRT, increase my dose, try to make myself feel pretty and hope it solves my confidence / body issues? Or stop HRT, accept my masc body and that there will be parts of my body I don't like, but try to make the best of it mentally by disregarding medical transition and focusing on stuff besides my appearance? I think something needs to change because the physical / mental state I'm in right now is not sustainable.