Buckle up, this is going to be long, but I need to dump this somewhere where I won't hear I'm crazy. I'll try to start from the beginning (of when things got bad) to when I left. I am mostly doing this because when things are traumatic I forget and that won't be helpful when I go to court for child support. Huge trigger warning for all of this though.

I was dating a 41yr old man at 20 which was my first mistake, but I was young and didn't listen to any warnings. For the first two months everything was fine, except he wasn't taking his meds for bipolar disorder with psychosis and that really should have turned on a red flag. He introduced me to IVing drugs though I was already doing them, just not like that. I broke up with him for a short time for being disrespectful and had a fling with another man, no sex involved, but came back and he was happy to take me back. I should have left because he would accuse me of cheating everytime I went anywhere and same when I saw my family. I felt trapped as hell.

Anyways we find out I'm pregnant and I end up quitting doing everything cold turkey for 5weeks which he tells me isn't anything and I shouldn't be proud. His friend drugs both of us with DMT which leads me to relapsing with IVing. Anyways I don't have a lot of energy, I have insane morning sickness, so I can't do anything around the house for two months or have sex. He was already throwing things at me and hitting the wall and yelling at me because I wanted to clean house and he's oh so sick with diabetes. Mind you he's IVing every single day about every two hours and his friends inform me he's lying about how much he's doing (I already knew this). This leads to him yelling at me and pulling his hand back like he's going to hit me over sex, which is insane to me. That leads to my first time somewhat consenting, which I really didn't want to do, but whatever. He ends up getting me high just to have sex with me several times after this and gets upset every time he doesn't get his way, claiming this is the only way we ever hang out. I do try to talk to him, but he just goes back to talking about sex and my refusal, so I keep to myself for the most part (this makes him more angry).

He starts becoming more angry with me for not taking care of the home the way he wants and says it's so filthy he doesn't want to be there, yeah it's gross but I still have no energy. He is claiming to be sick with diabetes but he puts it on me to remind him to take his insulin and he's still doing so many drugs his immune system is fucked up from that alone. I do believe he gets sick, but it's so often that I know there are outside influences. At this point, I'm starting to get cravings for foods, but all our money is going to drugs that he "sells" but he really does so much with his friends we may as well just be wasting all our money. It's time for me to start school again as it's fall semester at college which somehow makes him even more angry because I don't have a lot of time to clean and for him, which I warned about. Now I'm struggling with drug addiction, I want to quit but there's always some around, so I do it anyways. He blames me for my drug addiction and says our child is going to be retarded because of me and it makes me cry. I cry a lot now, everything going wrong is because of me and my actions and he is doing nothing wrong. I'm not picking up at all, I am leaving trash for a long time, but I am severely depressed and pregnant. I told him I usually won't clean for an upwards of three months when I'm depressed. He can clean his stuff and I'll get to mine. He just yells at me and tells me it's our stuff.

Moving on, he is hitting me because I won't have sex with him. We get into a fight and I hit him in the face with a phone cord. He hits me really hard in the face three times. He tells me he doesn't have to be with me, he can leave whenever he wants and find someone better and kick me out. I am scared and I cry all the time, he told me he'd never hit me, but he says I deserved it because I hit him. Probably true but this doesn't make me feel any better. We get a gun and I really feel uncomfortable with it around. I tell him I want an abortion because I can't put up with this and he tells me he will shoot me and goes for the gun which thankfully I grab. I can't sleep well anymore, I'm scared I will die. I IV even more to cope. I finally find the strength to quit after being freaked out in class that I am finally dying, I am tired of living like that. I have withdrawals and that makes me sleep more. Though he tells me withdrawals from our drug don't exist, they do, they're real, I feel them, they suck. Somewhere between now and him choking me the gun is given away along with me being routinely assaulted which I feel I deserve to at least lessen the amount I get yelled at him and called names.

He brings home acid, I have wanted to try acid for a long time. This gets the better of me, we do it twice. On the second time it is really strong, but I don't freak out, it's cool, I like it lot. However, all he wants to do is have an orgasm, he bugs me the whole time. I want to watch funny videos on my phone but he won't let me. He touches me the whole time when I'm trying to hallucinate in peace. I tell him no, he touches me anyways, he would have raped me if I didn't start crying, I had a flashback of my dad doing the exact same thing. He won't even pull my panties up, I'm humiliated. He won't talk to me anymore and he starts getting more mean because I won't have sex at all. I'm too uncomfortable. He assaulted me a lot within the next month, he always pressures me into a yes and gets upset I don't want to do anything while he has sex with me. He is upset I feel like a sex toy even though he insists our relationship is fake without sex.

He starts yelling at me and hitting me daily. At this point I'm suicidal. I don't remember much except being called names all the time and being raped because I tell him no but it's fine because I just want him to leave me alone. I always cry after he does it with me now, I hate it. He tells me he cares about me, but he is still treating me horribly, he smokes cigarettes inside which make me incredibly nauseous when he's mad at me because it's his house. He isn't paying our phone or Wi-Fi bill which I need for school and he blames this on me using him when he said he'd take care of me when I lost my job from pregnancy related illness. He hasn't bought anything for the baby and people are at our house 24/7 smoking drugs again when I told him to stop. He had stopped but my opinion doesn't matter anymore. He tells me I am just a child and he needs to treat me as such. He shames me for not putting the little money I get from taking my siblings to church on drugs to sell. He is getting sick a lot more and he has new friends which blame me constantly for everything. I relapse badly with self harm. He hits me to make me stop on three separate occasions which doesn't work but he gives himself credit for making me stop lolol. I accidentally close his finger in the door once when I am holding it closed which earns me a punch in the face. I go to a crisis center and go back home the next day because I'm fine. He is angry with me because I won't go to a mental hospital. He is also angry because he almost got arrested, that is somehow my fault.

I finally tell him I'm leaving and I'll be back. I don't come back though and he tells me when I came back for my stuff that he tricked me into thinking he'd let me come back. He also says I deserved all the assault for my behavior. I am still struggling to process this. I am still pregnant, 7 months, my mom is supporting me with things for the child. He won't because I'm impolite according to him after he cussed me out on the phone. He even lunged at me because I was looking at him wrong. I feel very hurt and betrayed but what did I expect. It seems now I may not be able to finish school, I have ruined my life. He just gets to be happy I'm gone and tell everyone what a bitch I am, his friends laugh at me when I was over to get my stuff. I'm a joke. They don't even call me by name, I've been degraded to baby mama.