Really difficult post to write. I never thought I'd have to go through this nearly in my 50's after I've taken all measures I could in life to prevent it. Sorry for the long story...it's a whole ife experience.

I'm a 48F , a single child and was physically and emotionally abused by my father who was an alcoholic until I was 16 yo. He decided to abstain then and continued since but ofc keeps on reminding me that he did it only for me. After that he continued to be emotionally manipulative, controlling and generally a horrible person to be around. He did the same to my mother and continued for their 50!! years long marriage which is unbelievably ongoing. Since I was a child, my mother sought comfort from me regularly and constantly would tell me what a horrible person my father is. She had her issues being adopted and never loved appropriately. I offered to help her leave the marriage many times or at least have some therapy but she always declined it and said there is nowhere to go or do, that he controls their life together completely (he has full access to all her finances). I moved to UK 15 years ago partially to get away from that toxic environment. Unfortunately it followed me even if not that often, but my mother would still call me regularly to tell me and cry endlessly about the horrible stuff he does to her. My answers have always been the same, offering solutions and support to no avail. I have 2 daughters of 11 and 20. I divorced their father 4 years ago after 18 years o marriage as he was emotionally impotent and caused us significant heart break. I never confronted my father about the childhood trauma which he inflicted or his ongoing unreasonable behaviour. I bottled it all in, just gave him hints, but nothing changed. Both my parents (of 72 yo) visited me 1 week ago from their country and the plan was to stay for 2 weeks during the girls holiday. My father was very verbally abusive one day towards my 20 yo daughter (now she told me that he did it in the past also) so she ran from him crying, took my car and caused an accident. Thankfully she's ok, but could have been much worse and this was my trigger. I was at work, she called and I advised her to leave. Later on I found out that he told my 11 yo innapropriate things as well which she hid from me. I put up with him all my life but I cannot allow anything to happen to my girls and I'll always be very protective if them (their father left uk and has no input anymore). Therefore, I planned on telling him that this is enough and he has to leave my house immediately. He spoke very rudely to me and suddenly, out of nowhere, the red mist descended and I started screaming at him and telling him what I wanted to say all my life. At one point he jumped at me as to hit me but I was so charged with adrenaline that I pushed him back easily then my partner intervened and pinned him to the wall. There was no one else in the house except us 3 at that time. I never knew I had it in me and once it started coming out, I just could not stop it. I kicked him out of my house knowing that he didn't speak English nor had a plan on how to get to the airport and back to his house. I honestly didn't care even if he would die at that moment. I even told him so. I have such conflicting feelings atm. I called my father a monster for what he did to me, but I feel that I too behaved like a moster to him. I'm worried that part of his illness runs through my veins. My partner and my daughters have been supportive saying that I needed to let it out and this happens when someone confronts their abuser. I was trying to get to terms with that until my mother (who is still in my house saying that she's afraid to go back home) told me that she doesn't approve how I kicked out my father without making sure he's not in danger, that I did a very bad thing to HER, also that she didn't think that I could behave so aggressively, that I'm like my father in the end! That was a deep stab in my heart and I feel lost and confused and still angry... My mother is old and has several illnesses, which she always puts at the firefront of all discussions. She's been married to my father for 50 years, she'll probably go back to him and continue to call me and tell me about his abuses with no intention of changing anything. It took me nearly 50 years to understand that both my parents behaviour has been abusing, unacceptable and it'll never change. I'm at a point where I know I have to detach permanently, I lost any hope but how do I do it without guilt following me?

Tl;dr life long abusive parenting affecting generations. How to move on, detach and not carry the guilt?