Brief childhood history- I grew up with my biological Father CSAing me along with every other type of abuses in the book.

Im 34 now.. the ex bf he's mid 50s which believe it or not when I was in my early 20s, didn't click that he was so much older than me.. until these memories started coming up and I looked at his Facebook, he graduated HS the exact year I was born.. yes I know I'm an idiot from the get go 😐

But this is about how he.. tricked?? me into having sex with strangers for his pleasure and I being a total people pleasing trained idiot girl went along with it.

I'm trying to figure out if I should see it as SA of some kind or if it's me being overly emotional 🙃

Because I had a whole panic attack when these memories hit me, after stumbling onto the news story on another sub.

But I definitely don't want to not take responsibility, and don't want to blame an innocent man.

How it started-

He and I were both on the same Basketball team, I was up until this point a lesbian.. he asked to take me to dinner and I agreed, he didn't call it a date and I assumed it was friendly teammate vibes.

I was wrong.. I couldn't say no when he asked me, didn't want to hurt his feelings he said we would take it slow and no pressure.. so we started dating, I dissociated during sex so he could get his needs met and i didn't have to deal with it and our relationship was mostly really good for the first few months.

I was living with my (alcoholic)mom and (abusive)step-dad at the time while in college and that house was a nightmare so I wanted out..He offered and understanding so I moved in with him

he told me his ex wife had been a legit pornstar.. he had proof. And she was Pro.. Even got invited to the Bunny Ranch or something idk..

So somehow he and I began a BDSM relationship, that had elements of caretaker/little girl vibes which, my inner child was desperate for love and ate that up.

I have/had Anorexia so I was really thin and he liked that a lot, so he "fed" my eating disordered thoughts and even imposed stricter food limitations than I had for myself.. not great but hey he's helping me stay skinny right?? Great 👍 I was lowkey hungry enough to want food though and that's hard to make a seasoned Anorexic feel tbh.. I know that wasn't okay, he's to blame for that.

Then the sexual stuff got weird and more amd more and I blocked out exactly how it went down but I was drunk/stoned and he and asked me if he could post an ad because he wanted to watch guys have sex with me, it was his kink, and his ex wife LOVED it etc etc.. I agreed but didn't maybe grasp it was for real..idk I'm stupid

IN MY DEFENSE--- He would give me the silent treatment if I disagreed to..well anything, and my parents did that in childhood, it's a huge wound for me so I was absolutely DESPERATE to do anything to avoid that again.

So he posts the ad wherever on the internet you post ads like that and I get drunker, he helps me make a tip jar to put next to the guestroom bed (I made 10$ btw) and I am in a drunken/stoned daze for the next few days while several men come to the house and have sex with me while he watches, again technically I consented, he at one point even had me sign a contract, so really should I be upset?? Why do I feel gross and violated??

And like I wish I could peel my skin off?? (I won't)

I did at one point say something like nevermind but the guy was already on his way and I didn't want to upset that guy or my bf, but ultimately I went through with it so I'm not sure that that counts as a No really?

Stuff with my bio dad was so cut and dry, don't have sex with your child/ daughter.. this is soo much more murky.. confusing

Idk what I'm asking for here, help? Reassurance? Blame? Support? Tell me I'm disgusting?

I was so unbelievably triggered by the news story about Gisele and then all these memories came up and I'm just idk I feel violated but I don't know that I deserve to..

Thanks for reading 🩷

Link to the Gisele Pelicot case,

tldr is her husband connected with ppl on the internet 83 men who he let rape his wife while she was drugged unconscious, she's massively fighting back in the French courts and is in general a badass.

https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/associate-frenchman-accused-mass-rape-wife-admits-similar-abuse-2024-09-18/