So I found out on the 10th that I am pregnant, after having symptoms of thrombosis and then taking a home test to confirm my suspicion.On that day I spent about 8hrs waiting in the ER to be seen for bloodthinners, where they also re-confirmed my pregnancy.

I didn't sleep that night and during the whole day I was feeling overwhelmed, panicky, depressed, hyperventilating and all the other great stuff that comes with my already pre-existing depression and borderline personality disorder.I really wanted to terminate my pregnancy, due to my poor mental state, despite my partner "being sad" about my decision.

At that point I was around the 4th week and I made contact with Marie Stopes (a UK Abortion Place) very early to state my intent. In the meantime we went to the doctor to get everything else started, since to my shock the length of your pregnancy is only 'guesstimated' based on your last period until that point.The receptionist told me that "they don't do that anymore here" and that we need to call this number, which we did. The voice mail then told us that "they don't do that here anymore" and to go to this website instead, where you need to fill out a form. Well, okay then. They (whoever "they" is) will get back to us within a week. Nothing happens.

I keep poking at the abortion clinics and it turns out I need to go through BPass, if I'd like NHS funding. I go through that, Marie Stopes gets back to me and asks me a bunch of questions. At that point it turns out, they can't do it and that I need to do it at a hospital directly, because of my thrombosis. Okay. They will be in touch within 24 - 48 hours.Nothing happens.

I call BPass again, they forgot? to forward the papers. Next day I get another call from them, the hospital now needs me to have a scan first, which is this upcoming Tuesday.

...

This has been a mess in terms of organization and I have basically lost 2 weeks for no good reason.Now, obviously during this whole time, my body was busy being sick all day and since beginning of this last week I also got morning sickness on top, which gave me more mental breakdowns. Vomiting is just seriously traumatic for me, because it's like your body being taken over and just scary. I've tried out various things to drink and eat, but I just keep being sick and I hadn't had a meal or more than maybe the total of a glass of liquid a day until yesterday. Ironically what worked was a Burger King bean burger. I'll take it.Either way, I have had breakdowns due to being sick, due to issued with the blood thinners, stress of not being able to eat / drink and also some people's comments on my plans for a termination. Everybody around me, HEALTH PROFESSIONALS INCLUDED, have been going out of their way to "get over it" and then proceed to talk about how great it is to be pregnant and just going on and on dismissing my feelings on the topic.

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So I am now about 7 weeks in, waiting for this appointment on Tuesday, so then hopefully the hospital will hurry the Hell up and give me an appointment soon...except now I have a huge problem that I wanted to avoid from the get-go: The thought of killing a being that basically already looks like a fully formed human (almost) is giving me serious trauma, sickness and everything else. The other day I had a major break down about how I wish the baby would decide to miscarry on its own, so I don't have to make a decision on this.

Sometimes I think "just keep it", but I have no certainty about ANYthing at this point. I don't know how long my body decides to stay - for me - unbearably sick the way it is. I don't know how many more breakdowns I will have, where I want to cease my existence. And what if I am definitely as overwhelmed as I already feel once it is born and basically the only reason I kept it is "so it doesn't have to die"?

On the other hand it's already so big now, it looks like a tiny person, and the sheer thought of it passing through my vagina, dead?, and having to see and feel it...it's killing me. It's what I want, but it's so effin' traumatic. I already don't like to kill bugs I don't have to, despite major phobia, but now we're talking about a tiny human...didn't do anything wrong, and IDK how to cope with any of this.

I feel lost. I need it gone, but I can't kill it. What the Hell do I do...?

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Update July 05:

My appointment was upsetting. I was planned to be seen at 8.30AM, because "these appointments take no time", so I was there even a bit earlier, sitting in this waiting room where 2 other girls were waiting as well. They kept giving me funny looks, granted, I wasn't looking that great or anything, but still. I basically didn't sleep much and I also didn't have a shower, so I was tired and looked accordingly. Maybe it's just me, but that still doesn't seem like an excuse to stare me down. Didn't know you had to look your best when going for an appointment with an abortion clinic.Either way, like this whole time until now, my 8.30 appointment became a 9.00 one, because more waiting for no reason. The staff apparently had plenty of time to gather in the lounge to chit-chat, but getting to actually see people seemed way down their priority list. I got so mad.

I finally get to see the nurse, I am tired and angry, and she proceeds to say "darling" every 2 seconds. Not gonna lie, I wanted to smack her. She did the scan and turns out I am already close to 10 weeks pregnant. Freakin' Hell, even less time for everything and at this point I won't have much choice anymore with methods and other things.Before I leave she tells me that the hospital will take a few weeks to get back to me. Seriously? My day was definitely ruined and when we came back home I couldn't help but punch the wall a few times AND have another major breakdown. This has all been so very tiring and upsetting. Am I a joke to them?

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So not expecting the hospital to call anytime soon, I kept my phone in my office, but turns out they actually did try to reach me the next day. I saw and tried to call them back, but my call was forwarded into nothingness. The next day Bpass calls me, saying I need to get in touch with the hospital urgently. Turns out they open pretty late in the morning and close early-ish in the afternoon. No wonder my call went nowhere. "Fine, I'll try tomorrow then".

Tomorrow, being today, the lady from the hospital tried me again and reached me, so now I have an appointment for a talk on Monday and the termination date has been set for the 18th. "If I don't take these dates, they won't be able to help me", she said.

So now I am waiting for Monday.

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Thanks for all the supportive replies. They have made me feel a bit better.As for where I looked up the size of the fetus, it was just google, which claims that at this stage the baby is about the size of a lemon. I personally wouldn't know, this is my first pregnancy.