(I know someday I'm gonna realize in the long run the abortion was a good thing because I am not suitable to be a mother and having the abortion severs any ties to him. But that time is not now)

I tried to take the high road and say I got the abortion because I'm not financially ready or feel like I could be a mother at this time but that's a lie. It kills me to admit I had the abortion because he said he'd stay with me if I did. That I'd be always be his no matter what. Because I always wanted a child despite telling myself I'm anti kids. I always have wanted to have a child and be a mother and I just. If he was gonna leave me no matter what he could have at least let me keep it. Because how dare he deny me a child but let's someone else have theirs? Just because he's ashamed of me doesn't give him the right to say I can't have mine because "it doesn't suit our lifestyle". Ours. As if there ever was an ours.

He left me alone to make the hour drive out of state alone, to pass the fetus alone and yet demands sex only hours after it passed. Just one last drag before he threw me away. He even commented on the amount of blood but I guess it was more checking to see if I had actually terminated so he could wash his hands of me.

All I do is cry and hurt and cut. It's like how do I live. How can I just go on and act like he never knew me he never impregnated me he never hurt me so bad. Why does he get to live and walk around with the child he chose to acknowledge and yet he couldn't even let me have mine. I could have had it and never let it be known it was his but no.