https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kdiPheQ8Nz1kWPRNt7LnDkV26-8ywPgj3CFccEMkzJM/edit?usp=sharing

She doesn't quite captivate me. Instead of obsessing over her she feels like a nice dream I can remember in the morning. She would be perfect, everything I need and want. A beautiful confident woman with a side to her that makes you feel like you could really help her radiate that beauty. A sexual aura about her that makes me want to hang around and cook breakfast before I leave in the morning. I could be that guy, the one she had a thing with once and doesn't regret a second of it. It would be intense, passionate and deep and we'll be happy to have it.

Hey there you cheeky thing. What are you doing sitting in the side lines? A girl as elegant and interesting as you deserves to be seen. She made me feel good. Not happy, not aroused, not infatuated just a regular good feeling, which was highly irregular.

I didn't obsess over the girl, I obsessed over how to make her feel good. For once in a very long time I wrote for someone else. It was hard writing for someone else, I tried to go from different angles, different structures, tone was all over the place. What did I want to tell her? I wanted to tell her thank you. I wanted to thank her for being her. Never before had I felt ok. Ecstatic, happy and love where things I had felt but to feel comfort was different. She was an elegant creature, never seeming to fault. She simply graced her way in to my life, lightly danced in to my mind, then sat there a picture of everything I knew I wanted. I wanted her but for once I didn't want her more than life.

Stop being so hard to write about. For once I want to write something someone else will like and instead I've ended up with 1000 words that appeal to only my mind. It feels dangerous writing for you. I could write about how I've sometimes thought about our bodies twisting together for hours in ecstasy, or I could appeal to a more emotional side and tell you about how by some amazing miracle a girl I never really had anything to do with suddenly helped pull me out of a crippling depression even though all she did was be herself. I could go all out and write about how perfect that girl would be to live the rest of my life with and all the reasons she is perfect, but I don't believe it. You helped me. I didn't need an insatiable whore who I could obsess over so I could forget my pain, I needed a cool, caring friend to bring me comfort.

Our relationship would be distant but intense. We wouldn't need to say "I'm to tired to drive home mind if I stay with you?" Because we would already know. We would lounge in each others embrace around friends and writhe in ecstasy when alone. Not quite one but not quite two we would be inseparable, until one of us leaves. Comfortable, committed only to ourselves, we would go through life separately, but the night as young lovers. I'm very comfortable around you ash and that's unusual because I'm not ever comfortable. Let's not speed in to the horizon holding hands but instead walk with each other, to provide comfort on the the long trip.

Now she had me interested. Shocking you say? Sounds like you underestimate my thrill issues. She was getting sexier by the moment and I couldn't even see her. She was cheeky but not rude and it made me want to grasp her firmly by the waist, look in to her eyes and smile at how ridiculous her sex appeal was.

I need a woman I can sleep with. Not someone to fuck or a girlfriend but someone I can sleep next to. A woman who relaxes me and can occupy my mind for the night. A warm soft person I can run my hands over feeling her perfect bumps and curves. I need a woman who doesn't need me there, she wants me there, in her bed resting beside her, sharing her body and warmth.

And for once I wanted to sleep. Not because I was shattered and tired, not because I had to, not because I was committed. I was confident. I was confident she will come, I'm confident tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe I don't need women or drugs to sleep, maybe I just need a bit of confidence and this amazing woman is helping me find that. Kissing her was like every time I had felt great before. It wasn't going to last and that's ok because right now I have what I need and it doesn't have to go anywhere. I've done some pretty amazing things just riding the wave, hopefully this time the wave won't crash on top of me. Her public shyness but deep confidence is what attracts he to her, that and her lips which are always pursed as if to show she's happy and in control of her happiness. I don't care that we probably both have our issues, she's the one who may have fixed me but she's made it harder for me to care. I care about her but love would be over doing it. It's like she's a close friend, someone I don't plan on living my entire life with but someone I hope never leaves. She's pretty cool, which is helping me be pretty cool.

I had a new muse, one I knew would pass just before something grabbed my attention. I was passionate, nothing could hold me back from writing about her. I would find myself awake at 5:25am after exhausting myself still able to find the energy to get a few words out. I had what I had been looking for, a woman to captivate my mind. I knew what I wanted and how to get it. I knew there was layers of emotions and beauty to unwrap. One more time I turned the lights on at night to write about her. It wasn't important, it wasn't good, it was real and it was preparation for life ahead.