https://docs.google.com/document/d/146k_N7BYWxO40OWYKa0qq-IbgPw50jUYrJjGL-2DK1M/edit?usp=sharing

3:31 am. I don’t know how long ago i took seroquel. I think it was about 3. But i feel it kicking in as my mind slowly dissolves. It’s frustrating. It’s not like marijuana where you get so comfortable you sleep. Or valium where you just decide you’re tired then bam the lights go out. It never hits, it just creeps up. During that period of it slowly making itself known you start to lose your mind. It’s a drug and like any drug you’re brain starts working in different ways which makes you want to express the new thoughts or feelings you’re experiencing. It slows you down and spazzes you out but also makes you pay super close attention and notice everything. It also blocks your ability to express because it removes you from conventional thinking. I could write for hours on the stuff, none of it would make sense. I’m forced to try and remember how to communicate just so i can tell people i have no fucking idea how to communicate right now. It’s strangely aggressive for an antidepressant sleeping pill. I suppose that’s more a personal reflection come about by the fact i’m fucking sick of feeling nothing but feeling depressed is worse. Frustration is getting boring and anger isn’t a good place. You take it an hour before you want to sleep because after an hour you’re left paralytic in the space you are. If that’s not a bed you have to channel the anger in your head to your limbs and make the mad stagger to a place you can lay. During that hour you go through a few stages. First, you feel ok. Yeah bedtime in an hour i’ll take the pill now. Then for some sadistic reason you get social. You want nothing more than to know what people are doing. But of course, it’s bedtime, no one is awake. So you start descending into madness, frantically checking facebook, tinder, tumblr, maybe a youtube video where someone talks about their life just some kind of social interaction. But no one’s online on facebook. No one uses tinder at 3am on a tuesday. You haven’t used tumblr in years and you’ve watched any youtube video worth watching. That, That realisation is also when you start to know it’s working. You’re only thirty minutes in to it. you have at least thirty more minutes you can do things. What can i do for thirty minutes? Writing is to hard my brain is to scattered and it will just be depressive rambling to no avail. It’s 3:30am what can i do… i don’t want to do anything. The seroquel just started working and with it an intense feeling of blankness. You can’t think straight on this shit. I could… um… na i’ve lost it. but then you get tired and frustrated of trying to think of something you could fit in the remaining half an hour. If maybe it was something like 50 minutes after taking the pill i can just not worry about what i’m going to do because i’ll be asleep soon. 3:35am… fuck you. Not even tired. It’s been forty minutes. Usually most pills you swallow take 20-40 minutes but it doesn’t even feel like i should be trying to sleep let alone tired enough to actually make it happen.

That’s not even the worst part. The worst part is when it actually does start working. You fight it. you start asking “no give me just a few more minutes” because the longer you can spend actually functioning means the less time you have to spend in the next stage. Fucked inside your mind. You lay down thinking “finally i’ll be asleep soon! i was getting mighty frustrated not doing anything” but you don’t sleep. ok… im here in bed… the pills are definitely working… where the fuck is the sleep. You do this for an hour. It’s an hour you spend unable to move because you’re to tired to even try. One whole disturbingly long hour trapped under the covers of your bed, not even comfortable, with nothing but your blank thoughts. It’s like staring into the night sky on a cloudy night. There’s nothing there and you start to question why the beauty is gone. The only thought you have for what feels like an entire night is “why am i not asleep” it repeats itself like a mantra, echoing around in your brain and when you try to answer it you get no reply. You want to go deeper, you want to figure out what the problem is, but you get side tracked and end up thinking about why you just wrote a three page essay to your friend when all you really wanted to say was “I wish i had company” then you start thinking about the reason you want to tell them you want company is because instead you sent them a three page essay and now they think you’re annoying which leads you down a path of thinking which only makes you feel worse. You do this for what feels like a couple of hours until you have a thought so ridiculous it snaps you out of it. Maybe it’s because the social constructs of the world are against me in a non conformist, militant attack on my consciousness that leads to… the fuck am i on about… WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT ASLEEP.

so good news… It’s only 4:03 now… guess what i have waiting for me in the next hour...