I (m33) live with severe bipolar disorder with psychotic episodes. I have tried many times throughout my life to hold down a job, worked at places like rite aid and Pizza Hut. I was diagnosed when I was 18 and have received social security disability since then.

Throughout my early to mid 20s I would have a severe manic episode that would completely derail my life about one a year or so. I would have grandiose delusions, spend all my money on dumb shit and give away all my belongings, paranoia, and had many run ins with police. I was never violent but I’m a big guy and can be scary when I’m manic I realize this. But after many police beatings and state hospitalizations (talking like 4 or 5) I managed to get somewhat a grip on my bipolar by taking a shot in the butt of my meds every month.

In the aftermath I managed to graduate with my bachelor’s degree and tried to work as a peer support specialist helping others with mental illness but the pay was crap (32,000 a year with basically no benefits) and it was very triggering being around others suffering as I have and felt like I was back in the mental hospital. I have a bad felony (burglary) from when I was manic one time so it makes finding a job I can clear the background check with almost impossible not to mention I’ve left almost every job I’ve had due to my illness on bad terms, and have huge gaps in my work history.

I get about $1600 a month off ssdi and I get another $3-400 in food stamps a month so I’m poor but get by all right, my girlfriend of 7 years makes good money about 80-90 grand a year and she’ll pay for things if we go out a lot of the time but I pay half the rent and bills despite her making a lot more.

Everyone in my life wants me to find a job and I just couldn’t give less of a shit about working and being a functioning member of society at this point. I’ve tried to play this rigged game in this rigged system and failed miserably. I need money to survive but don’t really care to try and participate in the rat race anymore. I feel looked down upon, pitied, and judged heavily by others, even close friends and family for this but my freedom is worth more to me than spending most of my life toiling away to make some other asshole rich. Anyway sorry for the wall of text just needed to vent. I do realize I’m kinda lucky in some ways that I don’t need to work to survive but life’s still hard. Thanks for reading!