Growing up, I had a close friend that had male friends. They seemed to have so much fun. I on the other hand had always had and felt more comfortable with only girlfriends.

A few years ago I started to seriously encourage friendships with men. 90% of it was farcical, for reasons I likely don’t have to explain.

I did develop one close long distance friendship with a similarly situated man. We eventually met in person and were part of each other’s daily lives both before and after meeting. He was my encourager, my confidant, my man translator, my comedy sharer — all the things you’d want from a friend with a different perspective. We were also both single.

Then, he all but disappeared. Birthday texts, Merry Christmas, but nothing else. I took it in stride while very much missing him, but had no frame of reference as to why he disappeared. I was afraid I’d done something wrong.

6-7 months later, I texted him out of the blue. “Miss ya. Hope you’re well.” He responded happily within seconds and updated me: he’d met a wonderful woman, and they were living together.

I’m genuinely happy for him. He’s doing exactly what he should be doing: enjoying and nurturing his new relationship. But I was and still am devastated at my own loss.

He has a replacement relationship, and I don’t. This particular dynamic would be very different with a girlfriend. I’d see her less, but our friendship would not have to be retired.

My personal ethics are that I do not interfere with another woman’s relationship in any way. For me that means that even if a married or attached man wants to pursue or continue a friendship with me, I won’t be part of it.

My days of being friends with men are over. Either it’s a man’s ruse for a romantic or sexual relationship, or one of us loses when a romantic relationship develops.

So I’ve had at least one good male friendship experience — but the loss of that is too much for me. I friend hard and for life, so my friendships need to be able to span all kinds of life changes.

Some men protested to me that that men and women should be able to have platonic friendships. I agree. But that’s not how it’s worked for me, and I’m done trying that.

I feel really peaceful about it, even though a few men have been miffed or angry that I’m not open to it. Especially when they’re already married or attached.